Imagine quitting your life in the western world and becoming a monk. That’s what Jay Shetty ended up doing, a very rare thing to do in going against the grain. From what I ascertain from Buddhism, some principles are useful that have benefitted me, particularly in this new day and age of a noisy fast paced world.

-train your mind for peace and purpose everyday

-Indian monk, resistant but inspired by an Indian monk in his mid 30s who gave up MIT

-Jay mentions he had met and listened and read about people who were successful, good looking, famous, strong, or all of the above. But none of them were happy. He then wanted to go the monk way.

-many monks, all of which meditate, have higher gamma rays than non-meditators. More gamma rays= more happy (better attention, memory, and learning). In fact, the brain scan of the monk showed his brain at a 30 year old, not a 40 year old; his brain had fewer aging signs than that of his peers. He did 1 minute meditation, then 30 second break, and repeated this.

-Hanging with the wrong crowd led to near expulsion from high school

-found corporate work to lack meaning and purpose

-Bhagavad Gita, considered India’s most important gift to the world; advice for daily life

-in the last three thousand years, humans haven’t really changed, according to Jay Shetty when studying monk philosophy

-monks want: meditation, mindfulness, gratitude, servitude making you happier

-his monk teacher recommended him to leave the monk world and share the teachings with the world after 3 years

-everyday the monk mindset works

-never before have so many people been so dissatisfied and preoccupied with chasing happiness. Fame, money, glamour, sex; none of these things can satisfy us. All it leads to is seeking more and more, and leading to an endless chase resulting in frustration, disillusion, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, exhaustion

the monk mindset vs the monkey mindset (overthinking, procrastination, anxiety)

-the monk mind is necessary: it finds calm, stillness, peace. Monk thinking is a life free of ego, envy, lust, anxiety, anger, bitterness, baggage

-we need to learn how to breathe

-a reflection on our beliefs and values and intentions; how we see

ourselves, how we make decisions, how to train our minds, and our ways of

choosing and interacting with people. Achieving such deep self-awareness is the purpose and reward of meditation. Who we choose and how we interact with them is a sign of self-awareness

Part one – Let go

1 – Identity

I am what I think I am

It’s better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection; Bhagavad Gita

-People act in ways that perfects our imagined image that others have of us

-Rarely, if ever, do we consciously, intentionally create our own values

-We end up losing sight of ourselves

-when you try to live your most authentic life, some of your relationships are put in jeopardy. Losing them is a risk worth bearing; finding a way to keep them in your life is a challenge worth taking on. You don’t need to shut out the people who loved you, but you also don’t need to let them dictate your life choices

-he alternated between buddhism training at the ashram in Mumbai and interning in finance in London and felt far more interested in becoming a monk

-distractions clutter our life from our values. Values will point you toward the people, actions, and habits that are the best for you. Values make it easier to surround yourself with the right people, make tough career choices, use your time more wisely, and focus your attention where it matters.

-whatever goes into your mind influences your values. The movies you watch, the music you hear, books you read, media and TV that is binged, people you are influenced by online and offline. The news feed feeds your mind. The more absorbed in celebrity gossip, images of success, violent video games, troubling news, politics, the more our values are tainted with envy, judgment, competition, and discontent

-the monk life he lived consisted of the same food everyday, thin mats sleeping on the floor, simple appearance, no music, movies, or TV shows or media

-modern people don’t like to sit in silence with our own thoughts. People would rather go on their phones than sit in silence. Some participants would rather get zapped by electric shocks than be alone with their thoughts

-sitting at home doesn’t teach anything. Do daily reflections on the emotions felt. Once a month go somewhere in the city you haven’t gone before. And get involved in something meaningful; a hobby, charity, cause, etc

Audit your life

-no matter what we think our values are, our actions show it. How we use our spare time shows what we value. If we value family time but spend all the time watching tv and playing video games, then those actions don’t match values

-media: people will spend on average 11 years of life looking at TV and social media

-money: discretionary spending, look at how it’s spent

-seeing how people post on social media and how they talk about how time and money is spent can reveal what we value:

-60-minute TV show (flew by!)

-60-minute lunch with family (when will it end?)

-everyday coffee habit (need it)

-fresh food choices (not worth it)

-15 minutes scrolling social media (me time)

-15 minutes meditation (no time)

-are your choices for entertainment or enlightenment? For yourself or someone else?

-doing a self-audit will reveal the default values that crept into your life

-There are higher values and lower values

-Higher values propel us towards happiness, fulfillment, meaning. Values and qualities include: fearlessness, purity of mind, gratitude, service and charity, acceptance, performing sacrifice, deep study, austerity, straightforwardness, nonviolence, truthfulness, absence of anger, renunciation, perspective, restraint from fault finding, compassion toward all, satisfaction, kindness/gentleness, integrity, determination

-success and happiness are not values, they are rewards after a long period of time

-lower values: greed, lust, anger, ego, illusion, envy

-look at your goals to see if they are driven by other people, tradition, or media driven idea of how we should live

-filter out the noise of OEO; opinions, expectations and obligations, but don’t block them

-to see whether others fit in relation to our values, see if I am getting closer to or further from who I want to be? It could be obvious or it could be vague, like irritability or mental fuzziness

-it feels good to be around people who are good for us; and it doesn’t feel good to be around people who don’t support us or bring out our bad habits

-do you spend time with people who align most closely with your values?

Two – negativity

-the evil king goes hungry

-it is impossible to build one’s own happiness on the unhappiness of others; Daisaku Ikeda

-cancers of the mind; comparing, complaining, criticizing

-for each criticism we spoke or thought, we had to write down ten good things about the person. This includes ourselves

-when we see the bad in others, we notice the bad in ourselves. When we see the good in others, we see it in ourselves too

-becoming sensitive to gossip after time spent in the ashram

-if people think I’m boring to not gossip, well then, I have nothing bad to say about them

-negativity is everywhere in daily conversation and comments

-we have three core emotional needs; peace, love, understanding. If one of them is threatened or perceived to be threatened, negative spawns

-negative feelings spring up as complaints, comparisons, and criticisms

-people who have a victims attitude are more likely to have a sense of entitlement and be selfish

-negativity is contagious

-our brains are wired for conformity and groupthink

-we compare ourselves to our neighbours, complain about our partners, say things about our friends behind their backs that we would never say to their faces, criticize people on social media, argue, deceive, even explode into anger

-in a culture of complaint, we join the fray

-the more negativity that surrounds us, the more negative we become

-per the research, complaining and venting actually make people more aggressive after than those who didn’t engage

-being around negative people then complaining about them is contagious and makes it worse

-Negativity people are more likely to be negative in the future

-long term stress, which is generated by complaining and other things, reduces your reasoning and memory ability. It increases stress, impairs the immune system

-types of negative people: complainers (people who complain without looking for solutions), cancellers (people who take something positive and spin it negative. You look good turns into; you mean I looked bad yesterday?), casualties (victim attitude), critics (judging others for having a different opinion or not having one, or for choices that are different), commanders (who realize their own limits but pressure others to succeed; you never have time for me, even though they are busy as well), competitors (frenemies, people who want others to be brought down too), controllers

-don’t judge someone with a different disease, don’t expect perfection, don’t think you are perfect

-when someone hurts you, it’s because they are hurt

-tips to deal with negative people: become an objective observer (emotionally), back away slowly (avoid triggers of negative thoughts and feelings). If you can’t let go physically, you can’t let go emotionally. If it is someone close, distancing ourselves is not the first option we want to give

-25/75 principle; spend more than 75% of the time with people who are uplifting, good for you, good to you

-limited association: if you can’t remove negativity, limit the time you spend around it. some people might be once a week, once a month, or less than that

-don’t be a savior; don’t try and be a problem solver; trying to save others is ego-driven

-purifying our own thoughts will protect us from the influence of others

-competition breed’s envy. In the Mahabharata, an evil warrior envies another warrior and wants him to lose all he has. The evil warrior hides a burning block of coal in his robes, planning to throw it at the other warrior. The evil warrior is instead burned by his own coal. His envy makes his own enemy.

-Envy often ends up in taking pleasure in the suffering of others

-Judging others is tricking us into thinking we’re moving forward when in truth we’re stuck

-The more we define ourselves in relation to the people around us, the more lost we are

-we may never purge ourselves of envy, jealousy, anger, lust, pride, illusion, greed, but that doesn’t mean we should ever stop trying. We think freedom means we can pursue all our desires. Real freedom is letting go of things not wanted, the unchecked desires that lead us to unwanted ends

-they key to real freedom is self-awareness

-even if we become aware of others negativity and say “she’s always complaining”, we ourselves are being negative. Petty negative thoughts are like mosquitos; even the smallest ones can rob us of our peace

-addressing negative feelings: spot, stop, swap. Spot a feeling or issue, stop to understand what it is, swap in a new way of processing

-the monks set a goal of not complaining, comparing, or criticizing for a week

-at other times instead of reacting negatively to what is, we negatively anticipate what might be (suspicion)

-negative projections and suspicions reflect our own insecurities and get in our way

-the Bhagavad Gita says we should only speak words that are truthful, beneficial to all, pleasing, and that doesn’t agitate the minds of others

-saying what we want, when we want, how we want, is not freedom. True freedom is not feeling the need to say these things

-when we limit negative speech, we may find we have a lot less to say, even inhibited. It may lead to more silences, but it’s worth it to free ourselves from negativity. Criticizing someone else’s work ethic doesn’t make you work harder. Comparing your marriage to someone else’s doesn’t make it better.

-Careful, thoughtful and productive observations move us forward, not judgment

-the grass is greener where you water it

-happy people complain mindfully; they don’t thoughtlessly vent; journaling is a good way to do this, with specific words rather than vague terms

-monks are considered quiet because they are trained to choose their words carefully and use them with purpose

-Mudita: the principle of taking sympathetic or unselfish joy in the good fortune of others. The opposite of envy

-The material world has convinced us of scarcity: that there is only a few colleges worth attending, degrees worth getting, jobs worth getting, a few people who get lucky. Thus, if someone else succeeds, it’s less likely that I do thinking comes in that plagues society. But with Mudita, everyone can partake in the theater of happiness

-Jay Shetty asked Radhanath Swami, the author of several books, including the journey home, how to be peaceful and positive in a world of negativity. His response: negativity in the world starts in our hearts. Instead, purify your own heart

-try reverse envy: people you care about and feel competitive with. Their achievement, does it take away from you? Think how it benefitted someone you care about. Envy robs you of joy

-anger is a response to being deeply wounded; anger from the past, from misfortune, at the people who play a role in your lives, anger at the dead, anger turned inward

-forgiveness is the solution. patience and forbearance in dealing with other people. Forgiveness is not asking others to forgive us, but for us to forgive ourselves. An internal action

-sometimes, its better, healthier and safer not to have direct contact with a person at all

-shift from impulsivity and passion to goodness, peace, and positivity

-revenge doesn’t work and is not advised by the monks

-forgiveness is not binary; it is a process. Not forgiving others and holding grudges disturbs internal peace

-levels of forgiveness

-zero forgiveness: I will never forgive you (anger)

-conditional forgiveness: I will forgive you if there is repentance (transactional)

-transformational forgiveness: i forgive you and expect nothing back (goodness)

-unconditional forgiveness: i forgive you no matter what you did (saintly). This is what good parents do with their own children

-forgiveness leads to peace of mind, conserves energy, leads to less medication taken, better sleep, reduced physical ailments, less stress from less rumination of negative events

-couples that forgive each other have better well-being and better relationships

-ask for and receive forgiveness by writing it out specifically, acknowledge your own short comings. And read back your own writing/recording as if you were the recipient person and see if you would like it

-forgiveness is a two-way street: easy to see the faults in others, not easy to see the fault in ourselves

-we can also use the same exercise to forgive ourselves

-the pinnacle of forgiveness, sattva, is to wish the person who caused you pain well. The story of a woman who became a Buddhist because her ex-husband who cheated on her was causing revenge fantasies constantly. Now, she refers to him as a great teacher in life.

-Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t think it’s funny to make fun of people

-there is a line between negativity that helps us navigate life, and negativity that induces more negativity and pain in the world

-monks have fun, they are playful and laugh easily

-initial new monks often take themselves too seriously

-the less time you have to fixate on everyone else, the more time you have to focus on yourself

-negativity often arises from fear

-fear does not prevent death. It prevents life; Buddha

-sometimes fear tells you of impending danger; most of the time, it is anxiety related to everyday concerns about money, jobs, relationships. Anxiety is thus everyday fear, that blocks us from our true feelings. Over the long-term, the more you hold on to fear, they will eventually become toxic

-there are surface level fears, then there are deeper level fears that take longer to peer into; Jay’s at the time of exercise was not making his parents happy

-avoid the fear of punishment, humiliation, or failure

-fear is often a sign of opportunity, or missed opportunity if not taken

-if we go into high alert fear too often, those stress hormones affect the immune system, sleep, ability to heal

-successfully dealing with stressors head on leads to greater feelings of accomplishment and well-being

people deal with fear by: panicking, freezing, running away, burying it. None are good solutions

-breathe steadily when acknowledging fear; go towards your fear gradually

-use kindness and sincerity

-our fears are often of other people’s judgment of us, of losing a positive identity of being intelligent, capable, hardworking, consistent, responsible, etc

-the cause of fear: attachment. The cure for fear: detachment

-when you meet someone who gives off a negative vibe, you feel it, but you don’t think that vibe is you. Same with our emotions, we may be feeling it, but it is not us, not our identity

-our fears are related to trying to own and control everything and everyone. The monkey mind has a standard in our mind that we endlessly chase, an ideal

-The monk mind practises detachment and realizes that, everything is borrowed. Everything is temporary. Have gratitude for the good fortune of something temporarily happening to you

-even extreme wealth and power for some people will be gone

-hurtful fears are over things that we can’t control. Useful fears are over things we can control

-Detachment is not indifference; e.g. if you go on vacation, it is temporary, we don’t own it, but it’s enjoyed

-your external and internal attachments are the sources of your fear

-when you accept that we don’t own or control anything, we find ourselves actually enjoying people, things and experiences more, and being more thoughtful about which ones you choose to include in your life

-don’t judge the moment; accept the situation and focus on what you can control

-use breathing to realign body: 4 second inhale, 4 second hold, 4 second exhale

-see the whole story, not just one thing

-what you run from only stays with you longer; find what you’re afraid of most and go live there. Running from fear only compounds problems

-channel fear towards service, which diminishes fear of not having enough. And feel happier, more fulfilled, and more connected

Four – intention

– “blinded by the gold”; blinded by the goal

-we have images of an ideal life, but do these ambitions make us happy? Is happiness the right target?

-are you motivated by the process or the outcome?

-the four primary motivations:

-fear, desire, duty, love

-fear is not sustainable

-desires, commonly: marriage, rich, success

-success does not equal happiness, because this is external happiness. This idea is an illusion

-I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of, so they can see that it’s not the answer; Jim Carey

-we are searching for the feeling behind getting desires, which fails to give to us

-material gratification is external, but happiness is internal

-success is earning money, being respected in work, receiving accolades

-happiness is feeling good about yourself, having close relationships, making the world a better place

-the media celebrates the pursuit of success

-language now promotes individual achievement over community connection, group membership, self-acceptance

-personal and social factors are more important determinants of well-being than income

-happiness rates have consistently declined among American adults since the 1970s: declining trust in government, other people, weaker social networks

-purpose and meaning lead to contentment, not success. He who has a why will suffer any how

-the more we try and do things out of duty and love rather than selfishness, the more we achieve

-intention fills the car with gas

-think about the why behind the want

-most people try to look for answers; monks focus on questions

-wanting to see lots of places is desire, wanting to see lots of places to not be accountable or responsible to anyone is driven out of fear

-be honest about your intentions; don’t say you’re acting out of service when all you want is material wealth

-what we find when we think and reflect is that we are often trying to fulfill a internal feeling

-we can plant weeds or plant seeds. Weeds spawn from ego, greed, envy, anger, pride, competition, stress

-live your intentions, not just sitting back in wishful thinking

-if we love peace we have to organize as effectively as those who love war

-I wish is code for I don’t want to do anything differently

-do you enjoy the process to the outcome, or only the outcome?

-satisfaction comes from believing in the value of what you do

-no intentions are completely pure

-if we gain what we want but aren’t happy, it’s because the wrong intention was in place

-generous internal intentions radiate from people, and it’s a beautiful thing

-being a monk, and even being successful, is to serve others

Chapter – breathe

-meditation may show you what you don’t want to see

-many people run from meditation because they find it difficult and unpleasant

-Jay would be at the ashram meditating two hours per morning

-your breathing changes with your emotions; holding breath happens when concentrating, shallow breaths when nervous or anxious, hyperventilating when under adrenaline. These are instinctive and not correct

-instead practise controlled breathing

Part 2 – grow

Chapter 5 – purpose (dharma)

-when you protect your dharma, your dharma protects you; Manusmriti 8:15

-willingness and flexibility help you find your purpose

-living in purpose is a certain route to fulfillment

-your purpose must be something you are passionate about, are good at, and somehow serves others in a positive manner over a long period of time

-something is your purpose if you know you are willing to suffer to fulfill it

-55% of communication is non-verbal, 38% tone, 7% actual words used

-As Jay Shetty was asked to present at the ashram temple, he realized after the class that he had immense satisfaction from studying, experimenting with knowledge, and presenting it. This was an indication of his dharma

-the passion must be internal satisfaction, not external. Additionally, externally people must respond positively to it too, otherwise it is just a hobby, for self-indulgence

-the two lies we hear growing up is: you’ll never amount to anything, and you an be anything you want to be

-Tim Dillon and many others such as MJ Demarco that following your passion is a nonsense way of thinking, as it must serve others in addition to yourself

-you can be everything you are

-if we keep our minds open and curious, our dharmas announce themselves to us and it becomes apparent

-the reason finding our dharma is a challenge now is the pressure to succeed immediately, like Mark Zuckerberg in our early 20s, otherwise we are considered failures

-the pressure to succeed, particularly early, actually hinders the chance of success, not help

-Many people on average, if they succeed, don’t succeed until later on in life. Unless you are a genius, you will not succeed early in life.

-Bhagavad Gita says it’s better to do one’s own purpose imperfectly than to do someone else’s perfectly

-your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life

-Andre Agassi despite being great at tennis, did not actually like playing as he was pushed into it by his father

-another reason it’s hard to find our purpose: our society is setup to strengthening our weaknesses rather than focusing on our strengths

-our weaknesses are someone else’s purpose

-it is trust in ourselves that makes us open, and it is trust in the gift of others that make us secure

-emotional or character weaknesses do not get free passes, such as empathy, compassion, kindness, generosity. You should lean into your strengths in terms of skill, but character is a given

-it is important to experiment broadly before we reject options, and this experimentation happens when we are young, in school, and elsewhere that variety is given and had

-beginner’s should not be rejecting anything; only experts know when and what to reject

-Jay Shetty when young were embarrassed by dressing as an Indian king on stage, and since then hated public speaking. But, practising from his parents enrolling him in an afterschool public speaking drama program allowed him to develop that skill, and together with his passion, now teach on Buddhism

-quadrants of potential

-no skill, no passion; you should never do this

-have skill, but no passion; the average 9-5 job

-have passion, but no skill; a hobby

-have passion, and have skill; ideal, your purpose

-we can reengineer our tasks, relationships, and how we perceive what we do, but reframing how we look at things. See things from a sense of purpose, a sense of meaning, and it will serve you all your life

-see if you can monetize your passions on the side

-try to outsource things that you aren’t good at and don’t like if possible. If you can’t, think of it as an essential task that must be done. Mature people do the things they need to do, not want to do. This includes things like working out, cleaning, cooking, errands, “adulting” responsibilities

-The four varnas, or personalities: guide, leader, creator maker

-creators: make things happen (marketers, sales, entertainers, entrepreneurs, CEOs). Ignorance: Can become corrupt and sell nonsense, burnout from work, beaten down by failure. Impulses: status driven, dynamic, charismatic, captivating, hustler, goal oriented, tireless

Goodness: use money for greater good, create things that make money and serve others, provide jobs and opportunities to others

-Makers: seeing things tangibly built: nurses, therapists, doctors, COO, Hr, artists, musicians, engineers, coders, cooks, social workers

Ignorance: depressed by failure, feeling stuck and unworthy, anxious

Impulse; explore and experiment with new ideas, doing too many things at once, lose focus on expertise and focus on money and status

Goodness: stability, security, meaningful goals, best right-hand person, lead team gatherings, skilled at manual professions

-makers and creators compliment each other. Makers make creators focus on detail, quality, gratitude, contentment

Creators help makers think bigger, become more goal oriented

-guides: teachers, gurus, coaches, mentors. Skill of studying, learning, sharing knowledge, and wisdom. Want to bring out the best in people in their life.

-value knowledge and wisdom more than fame, power, money, security. Like time and space to reflect and learn. Want to help others to find meaning, purpose, like to work alone, spare time is spent towards intellectual pursuits like reading, debate, discussion

Ignorance: don’t practise what they preach, don’t lead by example, struggle with implementation

-impulse: destroying others arguments and loving debating or arguing, using knowledge for strength and power, intellectually curious

-goodness: use knowledge to help others find their purpose, aspire to better themselves in order to give more, realize knowledge is not theirs to use alone, but that they are here to serve

-leaders: military, justice, law enforcement, politics. Leaders of people, directed by courage, strength, and determination, protecting those less privileged, led by higher morale

Ignorance: give up on change due to corruption, hypocrisy. Has a negative, pessimistic viewpoint, loose moral compass in drive for power

-impulse: build stuff for fame and money, not meaning. Use talents to serve themselves, not others, focus on short term goals and for themselves

-goodness: fight for higher morals, ethics, values, inspire people to work together, build long term goals to support society

-guides give wisdom to leaders, leaders give structure to guides

-if you enjoyed or did not enjoy something, write it down and think about the reason. Particularly, the deeper reason.

E.g. taking pictures (Christmas cards for family – guide, document struggles to find change – leader, technical aspects of light, focus – maker)

-our protective minds guide us to what is practical, but we should pay attention to

what our body tells us, rather than our minds

-when we are confident and self-aware, we value others abilities more and become less competitive

-it can take a while and life altering events to become aware of our purpose

-purpose is passion in service of others

Six – routine

-simplicity and structure of the ashram mornings leads to transforming greed into generosity, anger into compassion, loss into love

-starting the day on high stress leads to a high stress day

-the emotion you fall asleep with is the emotion you’ll wake up with

-city people have the routine of always being busy and always being on the go

-noticing what’s around us prevents our brains from going into autopilot

-routine gives structure to be creative as it leaves more energy to try things

-to walk down the same old path and find a new stone is to open your mind

-daydreaming or thinking of other distractions in the present doing something will lead to distraction even while doing the thing that we want

-being fully present is the only way to live a truly rich and full life

-understand the value of and appreciate routine

-every environment has different energy; you can design it accordingly

-if you do something at the same time and same place every day, it becomes easier to do it

-and single-task, don’t multi-task

-focus is good; switching constantly is a dopamine rush (high) which leads to a chase and hangover (feeling tired), and a removal of serotonin (contentment)

-the most powerful distraction of all is the voice inside our head

The mind

-our mind is in the present 3 seconds at a time and then goes thinking backward and forward

-the monkey mind vs the higher mind. The one we feed is the one developed. By what we read, hear, who we spend time with, what we do with our time, where we focus energy and attention

-are you angry at the people you love because you are more interested in being right than being kind?

-the monkey mind is reactive, the monk mind is proactive

-pay attention to your mind’s automatic reactions, the subconscious

-invest in the conscious mind; reframe things

-slow things down

-repeat things to quiet the mind from wandering

-find self-compassion by addressing negative self-thoughts and addressing them

-stay present

-detachment means doing the right thing without worrying about anything else

-detachment is how we truly gain control of the mind

-detachment is not that you own nothing, but that nothing owns you

-detachment by discomfort, such as long periods of silence, meditation, fasting. It leads to discomfort in the body, which leads to understanding that it is discomfort from the mind that is causing the discomfort

-cultivate a positive mind not negative

Chapter 8 – ego

-ego prevents seeing the truth, steering to impulse and impression

-know-it-all’s have big egos, have false self confidence, and can’t learn. People who are humble can learn and are open to learning

-the ego is a false positive mask

-presenting yourself better than you are is a sign of ego

-you are who you are when no one is watching

-the ego makes people liars

-the ego compares and tries to put others down to create false hierarchies

-when success goes to our heads, we forget everyone is equal

-arrogant ego desires respect; humility inspires respect

-in judgment we criticize others while failing to live up to higher standards

-ego leads to jumping to conclusions, failing to listen, and unlikely to change view points. If you are listening to reply, or interrupting, that is the sign of a big ego

-the words we’ve always done it this way and I already know that is a sign of ego

-even if you think you know something, try to experience it a different way

-you can only be filled with knowledge and experience if you allow yourself to be empty

-ego masks, then transforms into low self-esteem

-if you don’t break your ego, life will break it for you

-low self-esteem is the flip side of an inflated ego

-ego is all or nothing

-humility allows us to see our own weaknesses and want to improve

-try to remember the bad we did to others and the good others did to us

-try to forget the good we did for others and the bad others did to us

-keep an eye on your ego and don’t respond with ego

-detach from ego; it inspires gratitude. We aren’t defined by our accomplishments, we don’t have to be the best

-the desire to be right comes from ego

-not admitting weakness comes from ego

-don’t listen to one-up; don’t say anything about yourself

-only take advice and criticism from those who are wise and those who want to help you in your growth

-you are not your successes or failures

-humility is attractive and attracts the right people

Visualize

-meditation allows your mind to move space and time, to heal the past and forge the future

Gratitude

-appreciation for something valuable to you

-gratitude opens you to opportunities, not obstacles, creativity over complaints, to grow rather than give up

-try keeping a gratitude journal

-gratitude makes you look for more things to be grateful for; a virtuous cycle

-the brain can’t focus on positive and negative emotions at the same time, so choose the positive one

-everyday gratitude; imagine a young child with no arms looking for food in a trash can

-gratitude meditations, joy visualization

-be grateful for setbacks, they close old doors and open new doors

-kindness is thinking what’s good for others, then giving that good to others

-to minimize pain, take a broader view. Being kind to others in service reduces depression and increases overall well-being

-forgiveness for failure, gratitude for effort. You don’t have to be grateful for everyone in your life

Relationships; people watching

-find communities to be in that are positively interdependent, good and relevant. Do the members of the community look out for each other?

-what you give to one person, you may not get from them and instead from someone else

-we often love those who don’t love us, but fail to return love to those who do

-lack of gratitude makes us feel unloved

-sometimes the person who is your teacher may be your student next

The four types of trust

-competence; skilled at something

-care; about what’s best for you and not themselves, not your success

-character; strong moral compass and uncompromising values

-consistency; reliable, present, available

-one person will not have all four. My order: character, care, consistency, competence

-Regard the whole human family as one

-people come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime

-when reasonable expectations are set from a relationship, it is easier to build and maintain trust

-trust is central to every relationship

-trust is about intention, not abilities

-when an important person lets us down, the blow to our trust reverberates across all of our relationships

-peoples intentions change, some people have intentions that don’t match ours (yet we ignore them), and other times, if we were more aware, there are people we would know not to trust in the first place

-people report 1/3 of interactions with some level of lying

-Trust must be earned. And how deeply we trust someone should be based on whether we’ve earned that level of trust

-trusting everyone leads to deception and disappointment

-trusting no one leaves you suspicious and alone

-neutral trust, Contractual trust, mutual trust, pure trust

-most exchanges are contractual trust. The heart wants a deeper connection than this, but we have to be discerning. Expecting more from someone who is only showing you contractual trust is premature at best and dangerous at worst

-mutual trust is where good friendships are at

-pure trust: choose this one wisely and cautiously

-do not falsely promote people in your trust in them as they will only let you down. We believe other people behave like us, but they behave as themselves. If I say I love you, it’s different from others.

-observe peoples words and behaviours closely

-when people show you their level of trust, believe them

-trust evolves naturally

-build trust by making and fulfilling promises (contractual), giving sincere compliments and constructive criticism, and supporting them (mutual trust), standing by someone in a bad place or giving significant time (pure trust)

-tailoring yourself to someone else’s ideal is not good

-loneliness is the pain of being alone

-solitude is the glory of being alone

-physical attraction (1), material (2), intellectual (3) show chemistry but do not lead to long term

-emotional (4) feelings and increased sense of well-being and spiritual (5) I.e. values and goals. These show compatibility

-quality time; no phone during conversations, distracted or busy energy

-some women are interested in people with high morals and values

-if you don’t know what you want, you’ll send out the wrong signals and attract the wrong people

-if you aren’t self-aware, you’ll look for the wrong qualities and choose the wrong people

-until you heal the wounds of the past, you will continue to bleed

-look at patterns of same mistakes, identify the cause, and get rid of it

-when you’ve solved your issues, you’ll be coming to relationships to give, not to solve problems or fill a void

-meeting through an activity like volunteering is a good way to form a deeper bond

-there is a difference between being grateful for what you have and settling for less than you deserve

-if we listen to our child minds, we are attracted to people who aren’t good for us but make us feel better in the moment

-your self-esteem should not be based around someone else

-it is better to be alone than in toxic, abusive, or manipulative relationships. The dynamic only gets worse. Do not allow toxic relationship to transition into friendship

-if joy never reaches a certain height, or holds a low average, it will never reach a satisfying level

-we often mistake attachment for love

-grasps my and clinging in a relationship does not show we love. It is just an attachment, which causes pain. Holding onto the wrong person causes more pain than letting them go

-feel every emotion, learn from the situation, believe in your worth, wait before dating again

Service

-plant trees under whose shade you do not plan to sit

-the highest purpose of life is to live in service

-selflessness is the surest route to inner peace and a meaningful life

-selflessness heals the self

-you can use the things you have in service of others

-do everything for a higher purpose

-seeing the purpose of life as self gratification, benefiting ourselves, leads to pain and dissatisfaction

-seeing life as service leads to fulfillment

-compassionate goals makes us less likely to have anxiety or depression compared to improving ourselves

-service connects us, amplifies gratitude, increases compassion, builds self-esteem

-most people think about just one person; themselves, or their immediate family and that’s it

-the modern world is competing priorities between being financially and emotionally stable and secure, and service

-don’t wait until you have enough time and money to serve; you will never have enough. You don’t have to have to give

-three modes to describe our relationship with money and material wealth

-first is selfish; I want more and for myself

-second is sufficiency; I need enough, but I have nothing to give

-third is service; I want to give what it have, and want more in order to give more

Sindhutai Sapkal formed a mother of orphans organization after becoming homeless from a cruel husband. She didn’t serve because she had something to give. She served because she saw pain

-people with less money actually tend to give more 3% vs 1% of salary)

-who is wealthier, the one with money or the one who serves?

-you can serve in what you are already doing. Doing charity, raising money for something

-you can view the world through love and duty, or through necessity and force. Love and duty are more likely to lead to happiness

-when you’re living in service, you don’t have time to complain or criticize, your fears go away, you feel more grateful, and your material attachments diminish

-service is the direct path to a meaningful life