I’m typically not an advocate for self help books as for the most part what you could learn from those books comes naturally by doing the things you are supposed to do. By then, intuitively many of the comments from self help books become second nature. However, I have found this book by Mark Manson to be an exception to the rule. It came at a good time in life, in my younger 20s specifically, when people too often do not have their own compass in life and are being consciously or subconsciously negatively influenced by the opinions and actions of others. I decided to write down the tidbits I found most useful to me, some that still stick with me to this day.

-the desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience. Alan Watts, the backwards law. Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Put energy to things that matter. If we worry about things that don’t matter, we don’t have things that matter to worry about. Simplification, not complication

-true happiness occurs only when you find problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving

-The negative emotions are a call to action

-instead of what do you want out of life, what pain do you want out of life? This will indicate what you will work towards and get. Our struggles determine our successes. If you don’t enjoy the struggle, you won’t get the success

-having a higher self-esteem or confidence does not work in the long run, it must be based on actual foundation. A person with high self worth is able to look at the negative parts of themselves frankly.

-you are not special, no one is. We are fed extremes of a bell curve, when most of life is not extraordinary. Accept ordinary, appreciate the basics, and work to self-improvement. The simple things are what matters.

-Suffering is inevitable; it is the purpose behind it that makes it worthwhile

-“How close do you feel with others?”

-values underlie everything we think and do so figure that out about others (and ourselves)

-change what you value or measure success to change how you see your problems

-research shows that people who focus energy on superficial pleasures are more anxious, emotionally unstable, and depressed.

-denting negative emotions leads to prolonged negative emotions and emotional dysfunction

-Freud: “one day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful”

-good values are reality-based, socially constructive, immediate and controllable (opposite for bad – pleasure, material success, needing to be right, not being alone, staying positive)

-choice over being handed something (feeling like an obligation). We as individuals are responsible for everything in our lives, no matter the external circumstances

-look for responsibility, not fault. With more responsibility comes more power (to control and enhance our own lives)

-respond to failure by not laying over and giving up, but by making the tragedy a better outcome (Malala Yousafzai)

-do not become the victim who looks for fault, but rather the survivor who looks for responsibility

-choosing the right values is everything, what you believe in

-Certainty is the enemy of growth; constant search for doubt, doubt about beliefs, feelings, the future. Being right all the time is no good

-if I am unwilling to fail, then I am unwilling to succeed

-only in bad moments or in crisis do we look at our values and look at how we need to change our life

-make “do something” the metric of success

-only when we reject and accept something do we know what we believe in, otherwise we don’t believe in anything and lead temporary hedonistic lives

-people in a healthy relationship with strong boundaries will take responsibility for their own values and problems, while those in toxic relationships with poor or no boundaries will regularly avoid responsibility for their own problems and/or take responsibilities for their partner’s problems

-acts of love are valid only if they’re performed without condition or expectation

-if someone refuse something or is “maneuvering” their way around, then a relationship is on eggshells

-minor conflict and trust are necessary for a close relationship else it will become toxic or problems can’t be shared openly

-depth outweighs breadth of experience in the long-run, especially when old. Commitment gives freedom, intent, purpose