Imagine meeting anyone and being able to read the person in only 6 minutes by focusing on their body language from head to toe. In his book Six-minute X-ray, Chris Hughes lays out how to profile anyone. The book includes information that was designed for US intelligence agencies and covert operations. Let’s see what he has to say.
-there are countless things hidden behind masks that people wear; reveal them all in less than six minutes
-elite military training school; never find yourself in a fair fight
Chapter 1 – skills and techniques
-failure comes from three things:
1- our communication. Not persuading
2-observation. Overlooking, ignoring, or not knowing red flags from behavioral clues from people or situations. Lack of ability to see the truth has been responsible for many issues in the past
3- behavior. How we manage and carry ourselves matters a lot. Someone might have a gut feeling about us that sets the stage for failure right from the beginning
Mastery levels; need knowledge and skill gained through repetitive practise. 4 levels
-people who have read a few books are more likely to call themselves experts; Dunning Kruger
-knowing is the enemy of learning
-many people are addicted to knowledge and can’t do; no skill
-2/3 of communication is nonverbal
3 parts to brain:
-reptile brain (primitive)
-mammalian brain; read facial expressions and nonverbal, gut
-neocortex; the part that tries to rationalize.
-our mammalian brain makes decisions and then our neocortex brain attempts to justify it, even though it’s our mammalian brain in control
-good communication between neocortex and mammalian needs a tool
-our brains have an interest deficit, not an attention deficit
-our brains are getting better at identifying something interesting or important
-focus is currency
-wait until the end fallacy; wait until end of an interaction to discover the other person has objections
-see every hidden, concealed or repressed disagreement, even if the other person isn’t aware of it. Same with positive
Decide in Latin; to kill off. Cutting off other options
Chapter 2 – seeing people in a new way
-there is a difference between research based and results based techniques. Sometimes research can take a long time to realize something results from one decision shows
Law 1: everyone is suffering and insecure. People are fragile creatures
Law 2: everyone is wearing a mask. Typically the people who think they aren’t are wearing the most masks and thus we struggle to interact with them the most due to these walls
-learn how to identify the mask and remove it, even without the other person knowing
Law 3: everyone is pretending not to wear a mask
Law 4: everyone is a product of childhood suffering and reward. Our beliefs and behaviors form unconsciously. By 12, 90% of our behaviors to others is solidified. By 18, interpersonal behavior is unlikely to change
-people view others as: broken, different, facts, reasons
-broken: see others as screwed up or stupid
-different: fantasize about changing the other person but don’t do anything
-facts: assuming people are who they are and don’t try to change them. Better than first two
-reasons: highest level. Understanding where they are coming from and not judging them. Empathetic.
Chapter 3 – behavior skills
-attribution error; a single gesture has a single meaning. Context is key.
-download behavioral table of elements from Chris Hughes website
Chapter 4 – the eyes
-50% of the time we speak we maintain eye contact. 70% when we listen
-if we only studied the behavior of the eyes we’d have a ton of information; so they are the window to the soul
-average person blinks 12/min
-drops to 3/min if calm, interested, focused, or relaxed
-can go up to 70/min if stressed, disinterested, in discomfort, or not focused
-no of times our eye blinks is largely unconscious
-GHT: gestural hemispheric tendency. our eyes move to access our memories. Left for negative and use left side body or left hand. Right for positive and eyes move right for a vacation example. Some people may have it flipped though
-move in the direction they are positive in
-eye home; where we typically look to access memories. Someone’s baseline could be 3 o’clock for example. If you ask what their credit score is and the eyes go opposite to nine o’clock or downwards that is potential deception, doubt, or fabrication
-strong emotional memories make our eyes move downward
-shutter speed; how fast the eyes blink. Speed of eyelid can indicate information. Faster shutter, higher fear
-general rule; don’t move faster than in a swimming pool, which keeps unconscious fear signals from broadcasting during a conversation
-pupil dilation; dilate (expand) when we see or hear something we like. Contracts to anything we dislike. Bright sun causes all pupils to squint as hard to see. Light coloured eyes are easier to see this
-confirmation glance; looking at someone to confirm or validate, of interest. Before or after saying something and they look at you, a good sign they think something of you
-the eyebrow flash; if go up, excited, if go down, anger or disgust
-movement creates mood; sitting up straight leads to feeling better
-we can try eye flash up and if person reciprocated that’s a good sign
Chapter 5 – the face
-we look at the face 11 times per minute in conversations
-lip compression: saying no; “withheld opinion”
-object insertion; an object put into the mouth; need for reassurance
-genuine vs false facial expressions. Genuine ones are automatic and come from the animal brain; false ones come from the neocortex, human part of brain. Genuine facial expressions fade gradually; false facial expressions go away immediately
-the neocortex is inexperienced at making facial expressions
-authentic facial expressions are almost always symmetrical (which is why we like people with symmetrical faces, they are more likely to be authentic)
-inauthentic facial expressions show up with an asymmetrical face
-exception is contempt, disdain or disregard or defiance to someone, that shows up as a half faced smile or sneer
-genuine smiles involve the upper face movement up, and a crowd nest in the outer corner of the eyes, a glimmer
-people who smiled genuinely in college yearbooks were happier decades later than those who displayed false smiles
-if you cover up someone’s lower half of the face with a mask, only genuine smiles show movement in the upper half
-for smiles, watch the eyes
-nostril flaring; wing dilation. the brain needs more oxygen from increased adrenaline, due to: happiness, anger, excitement, attraction. Like all the others, context matters.
-attraction due to wanting to smell someone or their breath if we find them attractive or see as a potential partner (hence the use of perfume, to create artificial temporary attraction)
-hushing, covering the mouth, can indicate a person wants to stay quiet out of respect.
-mouth covering and facial touching can indicate potential deception indicators, or just stress
Chapter 6 – the body
-crossed arms should be ignored. If hugging self with palms touching self, is the need for assurance. If closed fists, anger, disagreement, restraint
-tight fingers show stress, discomfort, disagreement
-genital protection; movement to cover genitals. Indicates vulnerability, threatened, or insecurity. Men fig leaf, women single arm wrap
-digital extension; curled fist straightening out is the sign of relaxing occurring
-the further away a body part from the head, the harder it is to control during periods of stress and elatedness
-hands curling up indicates disagreement, stress, anger, fear, doubt
-repetitive behavior is self-soothing
-fidgeting can indicate boredom or excitement
-who our feet point towards indicate who is the leader, socially connected or who we are interested in
-people who speak with palms above waist level and leave abdomen exposed indicate comfort, confidence
-if arms around abdomen and fingers are tight, indicates restraint is occurring
-if someone’s dominant shoulder moves back, it shows a negative reaction to you or what you said
-breathing location: shift from chest to abdomen movement in and out shows agreement or relaxation. Switch to chest can indicate disagreement
-shoulder shrug: submission, apology, lack of information, fear, anxiety. Shoulders dropping shows relaxation
-single sided shrug; dishonesty or little faith in statement they are making
Barrier behaviour: putting something between us and the other person may show need for distance, concealment, or protecting ourselves. In communication one should eliminate barriers
-hand to chest indicates strong feelings
-fixing physical appearances is hygienic. Can indicate trying to help you believe the story told, becoming excited, arousal, attraction, or interest. Usually a good sign unless the person is deceptive
Chapter 7 – deception detection and stress
-no behaviours that directly indicate deception or lying by; we are looking for discomfort, stress, and uncertainty with someone speaking. Identify when it occurred and what was discussed
-truth bias; when we like someone even a little, our brains will subconsciously seek confirmation bias to see that person positively. Deceptive indicators and warnings are deleted from the memory of experiences with that person. E.g. a persons spouse is cheating on them but the person being cheated on will ignore this and still believe the relationship is going well
Verbal deception indicators
-hesitancy; a long pause, or direct repetition of a question to buy time to come up with a lie. Note: partial repeat of question is for clarity
-psychological distancing; when someone feels guilty, they will use less severe words. Assault, using hit. Interrogators minimize words when questioning suspects
-Rising pitch; our voices tend to rise when we lie. Stress creates adrenaline, which tightens the neck muscles around the vocal cords
-increased speed; liars will speak quickly to avoid interruption when telling that lie, and pace goes back to normal elsewhere
-various non-answers; increases the odds of lying or omission of information.
-pronoun absence; the more pronouns missing in speech, the more likely to be lying
-many of us get defensive if we’re questioned about something we didn’t do. We simply deny an offence if we were innocent.
-deceptive individuals unconsciously engage in resume statement; providing a lo list of reasons they wouldn’t do something. Maybe saying why they are so amazing
-non-contractions; “I did not do that”; more likely to indicate hiding something
-question reversal; asking us the question back. Suspicious
-ambiguity; a half answer. Withholding information
-politeness; sudden spike in politeness can increase chance of lies. Same with over apologies
-mini-confessions; our need to confess is hard wired to release the stress in us. It can be used as a distraction from the bigger problem
-exclusions or caveats; politicians use these all the time. If I ask someone if they do drugs and they say “not to my knowledge” that is suspicious
-we recall past events chronologically, unless something emotional happened and that is mentioned first. Lies contain too many details, and are default to recall going backwards in time. Can be recalled going forwards
-neck swallow and upwards movement; can indicate stress or anxiety
-single sided shrug; lack of confidence in what they are saying
-throat touching; self-soothing, need for reassurance
-hushing; hiding the mouth.
-in western cultures, facial touching indicates lying often
-elbow closure; indicates stress or anxiety
-open palms; indicates sincerity and openness to you (hugs do this too)
-downward palms or palms hidden from you; closed off from you, insincere, not interested, disagreement, stress, concealment, anger
-there’s no behavior for deception, only stress
Chapter 8 – Elicitation
-elicitation; obtaining information without asking many questions
-revealing sensitive details about someone makes a bond form and more likely to reveal more from comfortability
-elicitation works in 3 ways:
1- subtle and sound conversational and social
2-doesn’t feel forced out of them; use statements instead of questions, which feels more natural
3-information flow has compound effect; more revealed over time
-the more sensitive the information, the less questions should be asked
-people recoil when they feel interrogated
-e.g. figuring out how much someone makes. “I just read your industry is hot, the average salary is now x”
-elicitation requires good listening skills and suppression of the desire to talk about ourselves
-hourglass method; we remember the beginning (primacy effect) and end (recency effect) more than the middle. So make the middle more information based; this can be seen as manipulative but is a genuine way of getting to know someone too
-if one wants to find out about someone’s past relationships:
-discuss relationships in general
-talk about own relationships
-obtain details of their relationship
-redirect conversation about modern dating
-back to dating apps or dating in general
-why elicitation works:
-need to be recognized
-diffidence (when we get complimented we downplay it and may offer an explanation)
-correcting the record; we correct inaccurate information
-we want to be heard, by those interested
-we want to offer advice
-we offer information to those that disagree
Elicitation skills part 2
-provocative statements; anything acknowledging another’s experience. “I had a tiring week; what was tiring about it? That sounds exhausting.
-informational altruism; we feel compelled to share a similar story
-too many compliments is not socially smart or good conversation; becomes flattery
-elicitation of complaints can start a small bond to be established; citation (referencing information)
-verbal reflection; mirroring last 3 words someone spoke as the last words are the most important. I really think we could do this deal if I were able to get the full package; “the full package”? Yes, the order, the deliveries and follow up in one custom offer.
-another method; general theme repetition synonym followed by provocative statement. Too much elicitation leads to awkwardness. Should only be a toolkit item or conversation starter.
-naïveté; the desire to educate others on something we are passionate about exists in all of us. We need to express ignorance about the topic, an interest, and something the other person takes pride in knowing
-criticism; difficult and tricky to manage. Indirect criticism may work to get someone the need to justify or clarify
-e.g. dating “it’s really a shame so many people don’t open up and just be themselves”. This could lead to someone not only agreeing, but also making a silent unconscious agreement to be more open during the conversation
-bracketing; providing a range rather than one number
-disbelief; offering disbelief will lead to people to try and convince us further
Chapter 9 – human needs
Maslow 6 levels; physiological (food, clothing, shelter, sleep, health), safety (financial security; well being), social belonging (friendship, social groups, intimacy, family, tribe), self-esteem (confidence, competence, independence, freedom), self-actualization (partner, parenting, self-development, goal-pursuits), transcendence (altruism, spirituality, legacy, impact)
-businesses targeting higher level needs do better
-social needs, what we need from other people drives our behaviour more than we know
Human needs map; fear based social needs
Primary: significance, approval/recognition, acceptance
Secondary: intelligence, pity, strength
Hidden fears
-significance; abandonment, social ridicule, being ignored, feeling small
-approval; dismissal, disapproval, contempt, feeling left out
-acceptance; social criticism, gossip, peer mismatch
-intelligence; being seen as dumb, being questioned, being called out
-pity; being disregarded, ignored, misunderstood, being disbelieved
-strength; being punker, disrespected, unacknowledged, challenged
The scary part – we are drug addicts to different chemicals in our body
-neuropeptides; and we leader in the grain that make our behavior repeat to get more of the same familiar chemical response, even if negative. E.g. a complainer will complain more in life in different ways to get pity. Thus the need to build good habits young as we will get used to them
Locus of control – internal or external
-external less likely to have accountability and depression. Believe in luck
-internal; more likely to have achievement, depression, stress, harder workers
Republican more likely to be internal.
Chapter 10 – the decision map
-when we don’t get compliance from a person, it’s often we are pitching the wrong decision style to them. 6 types (the ones near each other a person is more likely to be swayed by):
Deviance, novelty, social, conformity, investment, necessity
Chapter 11 – sensory preference identification
-visual, auditory, kinesthetic
Chapter 12 – pronoun identification
-3 categories; self, team, others
-someone using self based pronouns is not default selfish
Chapter 14 – compliance
-compliance is based on repetition, reward, pain
-people who follow physically in a conversation will follow mentally; this happens subconsciously