How to win friends and influence people

When I went to business school, this was the favorite book and considered one of the must reads. Many of the students would learn it but then use the book in a manipulative manner. Hence, I resisted the temptation to read the book until years later juts to see what it was like. I will say that the book makes sense if you are genuine and aren’t trying to manipulate, and engage in a fair amount of give and take.

If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. “How can I tie up what I want to what he wants?”

-no valid plans for the future can be made for those who have no capacity for living fully now.

-if you don’t know why someone is doing what they are doing, look at the outcome and may be able to infer the motivation

-it is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.

-A man convinced against his will

is of the same opinion still

-if you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes, but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponents goodwill (Benjamin Franklin)

-“hatred is never ended by hatred but by love” Buddha

-if you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. So it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.

-Never call other people out or say they are wrong

-“Agree with thine adversary quickly” Jesus

-be the first to self-criticize and openly admit when problems occur immediately

-if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

-if we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully

-by fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected

-if you want to win people to your way, do so gently and gradually rather than forcefully. Complimentary attitude, empathy, buying gifts and friendliness.

-give people a drop of honey instead of stinging them with a gallon of gall

-Get the other person saying yes immediately: the person who treads softly goes far

-if you want enemies, excel your friends; if you want friends, let your friends excel you. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

-wiser to make suggestions and let the other person think out the conclusion. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

-Try honestly to see things from the other persons point of view

-be sympathetic with the other persons ideas and desires

-appeal to the nobler motives; assume good intentions, and get people to do things based on good reasons

-Dramatize ideas, showmanship to get interest in ideas

-throw down a challenge

-all men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory

-every successful person loves the game, a chance to prove their worth, self-expression, to excel to win, to feel important

-the more you embrace uncertainty and not knowing, the more comfortable you will feel in knowing what you don’t know.

-The more you try to be certain about something, the more uncertain and insecure you will feel

-the man who believes he knows everything learns nothing

-having a sure identity prevents us from doing things that would threaten our comfort zone

-the more something threatens your identity, the more you avoid it

-“what if I’m wrong?”. What would it mean if I were wrong? Would being wrong create a better or worse problem, for both myself and others?

-Aristotle: “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it”

-if it feels like you vs the world, it’s you vs yourself

-our beliefs are largely anecdotal and are formed based on experiences which may be entirely wrong

-begin with praise and honest appreciation before criticism

-talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

-ask questions instead of giving direct orders

-let the other person save face, rather than criticizing them

-our desires in life are for illogical immortality – thus we should recognize the inevitability of death and instead be comfortable with that

-mark twain: “the fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time”

-“what kind of legacy do you want to have?”

-happiness comes from caring about something greater than yourself, believing you are a contributing component

-Entitlement isolates us

-There is nothing to be afraid of. Ever.

-praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise. However it must be sincere, not insincere or in a flattering tone

-give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Shakespeare said “assume a virtue, if you have it not”

-state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop

-use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

-make the other person seem happy to do the things you suggest

-anyone can speak acceptably in public with self-confidence if they have an idea that is boiling and stewing within. The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear to do and get some successful experiences behind you