Women are the gatekeepers to sex, and men are the gatekeepers to commitment. Right now, the relationship between men and women is the worst social issue of the 21^st century, and the breakdown of the intertwined relationship leads to the breakdown of society. In Shawn T Smith’s book Gatekeeper, the tactical guide to commitment, he explores from the man’s side how to properly gatekeep commitment and find a good life partner. Specifically, one that will bring joy, resilience, composure, peace, and love to a man, rather than wake up years later with the wrong partner. The book was so good I effectively was taking notes the entire time, with certain passages etched into my soul. This book can save some men decades of heartache and hundreds of thousands of dollars saved from a nasty divorce avoided right from the beginning. Many marriage counselors and psychologists have said that it is not possible to be happy with a miserable marriage. And divorcing that marriage, with the way current laws is, is like receiving terminal nonfatal cancer for a man. It negatively impacts the man for the rest of his life, never to recover. I’ve seen this in uncles who have gotten divorced and can confirm that is unfortunately true; they are now like zombies, given up on life and dead while still alive. I’d rather spend more time in getting the marriage spouse right then to be rich; the emotional, physical, benefits are priceless. Focusing on getting rich won’t matter anyway as if a divorce happens it will end up going back to being broke again. So even from a financial standpoint also it matters more to find the right partner than to find the right job, right investments, right businesses to start, etc. This is a book I plan on reading multiple times again in the future now and then.

-entanglements; any commitment like living together that impedes exit from an unworkable relationship

-“it just makes sense” coming from women is not a valid reason to get into a relationship; the downfall of countless men

-psychologist Royal Baumeister put it “a woman is entitled to respect unless she does something to lose it. A man is not entitled to respect until and unless he does something to gain it”

-the reward to masculinity is prestige; admiration and social capital. He can look others in the eye and stand tall because his masculinity is beyond question. Prestigious men are especially attractive to women

-prestigious, duty driven men fail to consider the long term ramifications of their romantic choices, particularly ones who pride themselves as pillars of strength asking little in return

-when a man has no real demands for a relationship beyond good feelings and good sex, then he is a desperate buyer in a sellers market; “I was raised to think I should be grateful for any woman who considers me worth dating”. Like so many others, that man offered his commitment while demanding little in return

-romantic commitments are our most consequential relationships; a man who invests without intention and self-awareness can only succeed by luck

-the barrier to exit is high, so the barrier to entry should be too

-men of purpose should be highly selective in relationships, not just in long term commitments

-men in choosing short term relationships are more tolerant of anger problems, dishonesty, substance abuse. Short term flings turning into long term obligations is a poor strategy, left with chaos and poor character traits that should never be tolerated

-committing to a woman is one of the most far reaching decisions you will ever make

-asking shallow questions like does she have obvious mental health problems or other red flags is not a complete strategy

-prioritize your purpose, values and future

-misaligned values make a relationship a liability; viewing romance through pragmatism per Shawn Smiths clinical experience is necessary

-you’re allowed to judge a woman’s character; every man will eventually realize that character matters

-a woman may behave as if she wants to control you, but she will resent you if she succeeds

-women do not complete men. It cannot be the cornerstone of a man’s world. Men must find purpose

-women’s association with us is not an act of charity; both are lucky to have each other. You’re allowed to reject a woman if she believes you are indebted to her just for her presence

-women don’t belong on pedestals; the sexes function together. Neither side has cornered the market on virtue or iniquity

-idealizing a woman burdens her with a duty to perfection that she can’t satisfy

-courtship has romantic relationship categories: prospect, girlfriend, fiancée (or intended), wife (or equivalent)

-a prospect doesn’t become a girlfriend (i.e. exclusive) until its apparent she possesses outstanding character and shared values

-a girlfriend doesn’t advance to fiancée until her character and values remain a consistently positive addition to your life

-a fiancée doesn’t graduate to wife until she demonstrates her ability to be a devoted, considerate partner in planning and negotiating your shared future

-if a woman isn’t a wife or equivalent, they shouldn’t store clothes in your closet, or share rent payments, car repair bills, house purchase, pets. Guard said boundaries

-you’re allowed to reject relationships; many people should end at hello

-establish your purpose and values before committing to a relationship

-revoke your presence from those who don’t appreciate you; includes people, businesses, anywhere that I or masculinity is viewed with contempt

-your devotion is not her right; attention must be earner

-allowed to have standards; reject women who bring misery and chaos. Disregard damsels in distress. Choose women of grace and good character

-he sees little evidence that men are good gatekeepers of commitment

-men experience “love at first sight” more than women

-be choosy even in an already barren landscape. Limiting romantic prospects to those who fit your plan and purpose excludes most women by default.

-raising standards improves oneself; leads to eyes seeing healthy women instead of the unhealthy relationship options

-at minimum men should look for these 5 effects from a relationship: composure (help a man advance his reason for being), dignity (helping thrive in good times and grow in bad times), resilience (making one stronger not draining), joy (happiness comes and goes but a joyful relationship is a source of comfort in hard times), love (not at the expense of more pragmatic concerns)

-only a few possess values and character traits to be compatible. A man should not become enthralled with the particulars of any woman that he is blind to the effect or a relationship on him, his goals, his purpose

-employ intellect where other men succumb to hormones, recklessness, desperation

-Five policies for rational thinking in an emotional arena:

-1; purpose precedes romance

-2; the mind is divided against itself

-3; time is your ally

-4; dispassionate observation lights the way

-5; playful experimentation expands awareness

-1; purpose precedes romance; purpose is the reason for living. For men the main one is work. Men who work are men at peace. It’s not only about income, but leads to other positive effects. Meaningful work leads to honesty, reliability, dependability

-work is being part of an endeavour larger than ourselves

-men are most satisfied when they have a direct impact on a business

-a job can give a man satisfaction, hope, and sometimes even a reason to live

-seeking a cause greater than ourselves is a better force multiplier than seeking money

-perfect clarity isn’t necessary; what’s necessary is movement in a meaningful direction according to your values

Status

-feminine sensibility judged men as too stoic, too competitive, insufficiently empathetic

-men navigate, participate in and organize hierarchies better than women. It occurs instinctively where we are at. Women are flat and this leads to more bickering. Healthy, mature women aren’t threatened by a man’s relationships; unhealthy women will interfere

Responsibility

-men die ; years earlier. Suicide rate is 4 times high there. Extend life by taking responsibility for something greater than themselves; meaningful careers, commitment to community, etc. The only way to avoid making others uncomfortable is to shun obligations to anything larger than ourselves

-women find a man’s obligations to be attractive and frustrating

2- Effectiveness

-making a difference in the world, else be criticized for being lazy and lose status and romantic prospects. Some men find lack of status a reasonable trade off for a life of inactivity

-the only thing worse than the hard work of cultivating purpose is not doing that hard work

-for men status is like a credit score; we get one whether we like it or not, and people judge us by it. The world doesn’t demand perfection from men, it merely demands honest effort

-we must be selfless enough to recognize cultural demands, and selfish enough to pursue demands in a personally meaningful ways this requires disappointing those around us sometimes.

-purpose is foundational to well-being

-purpose driven men don’t thrive on external validation

-wise judges of character lower the status of and don’t trust those who need to be liked. Their loyalty will always be for sale to those who like them most

-the man who refuses to apologize for his purpose will attract those who find his purpose appealing. It will also repel those whose values don’t align.

-the willingness to prioritize purpose can feel selfish to men who were taught to ignore their own needs. A healthy women doesn’t fall apart when it’s time for her man to go to work

-live according to your values. Give more than I take. Build something larger than myself. It’s an old solution and a reliable path to satisfaction. Move in general direction of values.

Finding purpose is every man’s million-dollar quest. Young men should discover it, older men to refine it

-check your rear view mirror of what you do; a man with a penchant for photography has creative endeavors, buys and photography stuff. A man who likes literature finds books and writing in his past.

-ideally, a purposeful activity is one we also happen to enjoy

-if a man values fatherhood, his behaviours would match what an ideal father would do, even before having children

-relationship quality flows from compatibility of values. Trivial arguments come from a conflict of values

-cultivate effectiveness by learning skills and doing work well

-have time bound goals

-values are who we want to be, purpose is a reason for existence

-keep options open if you can until uncertainty is reduced

-embrace failure, it’s inevitable

-some professors he knew got their dream jobs but then realized the bureaucracy made it so bad that pursuing their purpose left them jaded.

-embrace urgency; their is a finite amount of time before we die

-our minds have a short term emotional one and long term rational one. Its default is to go to the short term focused one, which is instant gratification and ultimately self-defeating. The long term focus and place of logic is where we should focus on

-he who has a why will willingly suffer any how

-modern societies have little concern for men or their welfare. It’s more “what have you done for me lately”

-pressure to perform is another reason for us to have our own purpose, so that we aren’t absorbed into services by the ambitions of others

-refine our purpose outside the company of women, away from the temptation to win their favour or supplant our interest with theirs

-separating from women allows feedback from other men

-men who didn’t overcome his obedience to a controlling mother end up looking for a overbearing controlling woman that he can submit to. Relationships with women who are terrible fits come from familiarity of past women

-protect and provide to women on men’s terms

-trustworthy men offer feedback a women couldn’t

-a 2011 study found that happiness was the most attractive female emotion expression, and for men it was pride. Least attractive for women was pride, for men happiness (?)

-men and women start pairing up long before they’re old enough to accumulate significant wealth or status. Women find traits that predict wealth and status more alluring than men; confidence, competence, raw unbridled ambition

-ambition, a personality to manifest and willingness to invest in a family

-the most useful question is not “how can I devise a purpose that will please women?” But “which woman and relationships fit my purpose?”

-aimlessness will damage attractiveness to women’s so to appearing incompetent, domesticated or harmless

-purpose is the opposite of getting laid; purpose eventually no longer is our own. We’ve outsourced it to women.

-healthy relationships with women involve their admiration, not their matronly approval

-Marlene Dietrich: most women set out to try and change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him

-any man who shoehorns himself into a relationship built on conflicting values will create resentment on both sides

-our emotional mind doesn’t know what constitutes a healthy relationship. Emotions override logic even when we know it’s wrong

-women and sex lead to emotional thinking. We can’t turn off emotions but we can change how we respond to it

-“I am experiencing anger” rather than “I’m an angry person” helps set positive emotions and habits by not being defined by negative emotions

3- Time is your ally

-the emotional mind is impulsive; it wants something immediately

-when we see an attractive woman we tend to fixate on them

-men have a way of becoming desperate around women; fixating on one women and forgetting to ask what effect she might have on our lives

-responding to our mind can be healthy; thanks mind, know you are trying to help but there is no emergency here, I’m going to cool my jets before I respond

-the element of time and slowing down helps rein in impulsive emotional logic

-two bad impulses; unprotected sex outside a carefully vetted relationship and trying to secure her commitment before knowing her. E.g. getting a dog, mortgage, marriage and child together before knowing

-pressure comes from everywhere to commit immediately

4- dispassionate observation lights the way

-behave as scientists and approach relationships with dispassionate, objective data collection

-Yogi Berra: “you can observe a lot by watching”

-rational gatekeepers think inductively about women, rather than deductively (typical way men and women think about each other)

-inductive thinking; no assumptions, gather information before coming to a conclusion

-deductive thinking; coming to a conclusion with an existing theory based on stereotypes or past experiences

-e.g. if a woman has many male friends, inductive reasoning tries to get more information before making sense of it. Deductive reasoning assumes a conclusion

-inductive reasoning is better; assume nothing about them

-theories of women in general are not true about a particular women’s character

-theoretical frameworks are deductive reasoning; they may or may not accurate

-beware theory-ladenness; viewing the world through a few theories

-the more we use our theories, the stronger they become, even if they are giving us the wrong answers

-Shawn smith was once cheated by a contractor because they reminded him of honest hardworking people from people he grew up around. He assumed good character

-measure her character against established standards, over longer time periods and noticing patterns. Takes a while to discover her true nature

-e.g. how she treats her family, friends, coworkers, waitresses, employees of airline that lost her luggage, how she is on good days and bad days. How her friends and family speak about her, how your friends and family speak about her.

-listen to how she speaks about others when they aren’t around what offends her, how she handles conflict

-listen to your intuition, intellect, inner circle

-look backward at her actual behavior rather than forward with random theories

5- playful experimentation expands awareness

-try things

-don’t let hormones call the shots

Book I

Composure; to be calm and in control of one’s actions

-Alonzo’s reckless entanglement; occurred from a relentless nagging mother and retreating father hiding at work. His parents shared relentless, low grade hostility constantly. Alonzo’s father would always ruminate to friends and coworkers about latest conflict with his wife. They eventually had a contentious divorce. He ended up in a relationship with a constantly angry woman, which showed up after 6 months of infatuation and sex. He started to walk on eggshells around her, became distracted and irritable, lost contact with friends and hobbies. When asked why he was in the relationship, he said “I guess that’s what men do”.

-wondering one should adjust or if the other person should change is meaningless; instead “what is this romantic commitment bringing into my life?”

-sentimentality belongs in healthy relationships with high-functioning people, not in chaotic relationships ruining composure. He sacrificed too much in the relationship, having to come home early from fear of being called out for being at the office

Elliot’s temporary lack of clarity; not knowing to go to law school or military, with Chelsea wanting law school to be in one place and close to family. Elliot met her in college moved in and leased first apartment at 23, and a dog. Young men who are exceptionally self-possessed overestimate their emotional wisdom. The first choice is to breakup, against family pressures and his own wanting to go to military. 2nd choice was to “do the right thing” and “make an honest woman of her” by getting married and go to law school even though he didn’t want to. This would spare her resentment but eventually cause him to be resentful for sacrificing his true ambition, and bitterness to her. Most men pick #2 and get married anyway and become depressed and angry, with no explanation for his misery, complaining about his boss, bills, and the old ball and chain. Reality he made concessions slowly over time that are painful to admit

-men who begin their relationships trying to avoid discomfort usually spend the rest of their relationship in the same mode. If a man won’t defend his values at the outset, it’s unlikely he ever will

-a woman ignoring your no is a warning sign of questionable intentions. Imagine being the sole provider and a woman wanting to buy an expensive car

-bad views of self will lead to behaviours to reinforce that, like:

-I’m unworthy of healthy women, so I settle for unhealthy ones

-kind women have no interest in me, so I tolerate cruelty

-women crumble if I abandon them. So I stick around even if it hurts me

-I’m damaged goods, so I put up a front to prevent women from discovering the true me

-women find me unattractive, so I avoid their scorn by avoiding them

-don’t suppress an emotional impulse; that just backfires and strengthens it instead. You can consider a thought then best it into submission. It’s just a thought, not a fact

-organizing principles; they are time saving, we use this with people too, problem is we focus on others doing it rather than ourselves. We often do it subconsciously. Study our own behavior to notice why’s:

“I choose domineering women because I feel safe with them”; this may have come from being overly punished as a kid for making mistakes.

-organizing principles are beliefs about how we view ourselves to others; makes us miss nuance

-increased divorce risk if; people come from divorced families, cohabiting before marriage, marrying too young, tolerant attitude toward divorce, problematic interpersonal behavior such as anger, jealousy, hurt feelings, communication, infidelity, etc. problematic interpersonal behaviours flow from the way people organize their relationships based on their beliefs. Jealous people view others as untrustworthy and then behave like that. We seek romantic partners who fit our deepest insecurities. Our history predicts our future unless we understand ourselves enough to make different choices.

-dwell on the past and you lose an eye. Forget the past and you lose both eyes.

-another negative belief: “I must work to earn approval since women don’t offer it freely”; comes from parents were stingy and unpredictable with affection. This leads to being trapped to variable rewards.

Being so busy being busy that we fail to identify what we are even trying to accomplish

-a better organizing principle: romantic commitment must bring composure, dignity, resilience, joy. My role as a man is to serve himself and others by pursuing his values and purpose

-we tend to treat ourselves the way others have treated us

Pathways to chaos

-chaos is normal in my life; this comes from a unstable upbringing including divorce, constant fighting, gossip, drama, hostility, upheaval, money problems. Men may find this familiar and attractive as they know how to deal with it.

-healthy relationships feel boring at first, are at a slower pace and require being able to appreciate the pace of tranquility

-many traumatized people simply give up; rather than risk experimenting with new options they stay stuck in the fear they know

-I have no purpose without chaos; some men choose to be the high functioning one in a low functioning relationship. It looks selfless to outsiders but it’s a dark benefit by masking his own lack of focus

-my role is to rescue: some women who failed to become history of mistreatment or neglect start relationships with stories of trauma rather than getting to know you, enjoying experiences together, and having give and take conversations that slowly reveal character, interests, goals, ambitions

-men who feel the need to rescue will end up with whatever men of trauma; it’s a relationship based in misery and won’t last long term. Those men want to be the hero, take advantage of a woman

-reaction formation: outward response that is the opposite of how one really feels. The rescuer will feel resentment but try and justify it with self-rationalizations “no one is perfect”

-I don’t focus on the big questions, so I do trivial matters. This could be procrastination in many forms: surfing the web, snacks, responding to emails right away, constantly making lists, planning instead of doing, constant organizing

-chaos excuses failures; used as distraction

-I am incapable of discipline; poor self-confidence, undeveloped self discipline, lacking commitment to an agenda. Unclear about what he’s trying to accomplish. With no plan, vulnerable to commitments with women who have their own plan for him. A serious existential problem

-life is boring without chaos; some men find chaos exciting. They even find stable relationships uncomfortable

-boys without fathers lead to chaos

-agency keeps chaotic relationships out of our lives

-ruminating offers diminishing returns but occasionally is right which is why people do it

The road to composure

-agency

-poverty reduces margin for error

-if we allow it, then we encourage it

-distinguish between imported and domestic chaos: some women vent then fix, some are a bottomless pit of need. A man who grew up in constant chaos may not be able to distinguish between the two

-beware of infatuations ability to undermine purpose

-look beyond the most obvious relationship options: sometimes the most obvious options are the least desirable. A gorgeous woman can be a high maintenance nightmare unworthy of your commitment; knockouts are overrated

-look beyond women who seem most familiar and appetizing; pay attention the women standing quietly on the peripheral, the ones he might normally overlook

-the man of purpose plays the long game and reaps the long term rewards

-stable, boring women are good long term options

-avoid relationships built on tales of woe; small talk based on history of abuse, connections gone bad is rarely a good sign. People who have come to terms with their past suffering have more interesting topics to discuss. Dwelling on worst experiences means not having come to terms with them, and could end up repeating them. They may position themselves as the victim and you as the saviour or oppressor. Some people only know how to connect by complaining, or indulging complaints. The wise gatekeeper doesn’t take either position. A relationship consumed by the past has little hope for a future

-avoid leading with a compulsion to rescue

-monitor the effects of the relationship

-reject relationships that bring misery

-pump the brakes: in romance, speed kills. Men are faster than women to become possessive; men take weeks, women months. Men are also quicker to slow down once commitment takes hold; women want to escalate relationship after feeling committed

-men and women who cohabit out of convenience are likely to marry even if the relationship is subpar; momentum is a powerful factor

-chaos hides itself until the infatuation wears off (when you see each other as normal people and the idealization wears off)

-foundational skill: allow others to experience discomfort of or about you

-being “nice” is often a indirect and manipulative way in an attempt to get one’s way

Book 2 – dignity

-dignity is to be worthy of respect

-shame makes us feel small and immobilizing

-the closer you are, and more committed to a relationship, the more likely to feel shame. Shame is used as a threat of exclusion

-men who feel shame wear a smile and take up as little space as possible

-an open secret all couples understand but few say aloud: we train our significant other like pets

-healthy couples rely on positive reinforcement, reward more than punishment. They express gratitude and affection. They give because it feels rewarding to do so

-unhealthy relationships are more transactional. They rely on punishment and quid pro quo exchanges. These couples shout and criticize. They take passive-aggressive jabs, use silent treatment, withhold affection, track little slights to build a case against one another, are petty and coercive. They engage in negative reinforcement. E.g. “you want me to stop yelling? Then take out the trash”

-men fall prey to shame and negative reinforcement to keep a Woman happy and protect the relationship; a manipulative and abusive relationship involving constantly being told one is a disappointment

-in my clinical experience, it’s clear that shame is a weapon wielded to devastating effect by unhealthy women. E.g.:

-what kind of man spends that much time with his friends?

-a real man would earn more money

-making ourselves small and unobtrusive earns us negative reinforcement. If we do nothing that displeases others, then we won’t experience their disapproval

-compulsive self-policing; anxiety induced self-monitoring to avoid doing or saying something that evokes a negative reaction from the woman in a relationship

-most men are motivated by approval or validation from women; these men are the most likely to get into relationships with women who engage in shaming. Men in these relationships also end up losing the respect of the women they cater to

-healthy women do not dwell upon old matters and continuously bring them up

-an actual apology; I understand how I hurt you. It wasn’t my intent. I will take specific measures to ensure it doesn’t happen again

Forgiveness says; I also value our relationship. I will disregard what happened because I believe you didn’t intend to hurt me

-shame is meant to be a transient experience that repairs the relationship

-women cannot teach men how to be men

-stoic enough to remain calm in an emergency, competitive enough to possess clarity about goals and ambitions, dominant enough to be independent minded and purpose driven in the face of opposition; aggressive enough to strive for self-improvement

-the unapologetically purposeful man is likeliest to succeed in life and romance

-women who try and control men cannot control themselves

-conscientious men are the most vulnerable to weaponized shame

-why men choose shame over dignity; avoidance. Emotions want is to focus on the short term over the long term

-healthy mothers offer healing and nurturing, while the unhealthy mother offers injury and discouragement

-healthy fathers offer structure and challenge, while the unhealthy father brings chaos, insult of low expectations or impossible demands

-psychologist B.F. Skinner; self-esteem is the inverse of anxiety

-the man with self-esteem is consistently competent and accurately self-assessing

-men driven by shame underestimate their value and commit themselves to low-value relationships. These men are edge to please and end up choosing women who are entitled and constantly dissatisfied. Leads to men furthering compulsive self-policing

-shame prevents men from recognizing healthier relationships

-examples of shame based behaviours:

-shifting responsibility for managing emotions: women may say “did you really need to say it that way”? Manipulating the person to change their behavior rather than express their own pain as a fully functioning adult

-forcing men to play the guessing game, rather than outright saying it.

-emasculation: “a real man would…”, “I just expected more from you”, “I wish you were more like…”

-character assault: “you always do that”

-silent treatment

-nagging and badgering

-exploiting regret and apologies; directly refusing apologies, not taking responsibility for her contribution to the problem, continuing to punish even after an apology

-blame shifting: righteous victim hood, treat men badly then play the victim. “I only did that because I felt hurt”

-emotional sucker punches; being vulnerable then having the women telling us to man up, stop overreacting, etc. this behavior has no place in healthy relationships

-using shame implies the man alone bears responsibility for repairing the relationship

Pathways to shame

-I have to take whatever attention I can get; parents who were overly critical or mistakes leads to a child feeling broken. Warmth and acceptance are conditional based on how the child makes the parent feel. These men believe they are only as good as how others feel about them. Believing themselves not worthy of a healthy relationship with a woman that treats him well. He thinks he hit the jackpot if people tolerate him. Being demeaned isn’t an insult, it just feels normal

-I have to be what others want me to be: growing up in a chaotic family environment with constant conflict over trivial matters, this leads to acting out or becoming the good kid. This makes the man ruminate over every mistake. Learn that people can be unhappy and it’s not a reflection on him. You do not have to make others comfortable at all costs

-I have never been worthy of a healthy relationship; this man lacks a realistic appraisal of his own value. A child with distant or preoccupied parents doesn’t notice a child’s struggles, and the child struggles without support and blames himself. This pattern has a nasty way of propelling itself indefinitely, partly because others detect the lack of confidence. They assume he’s incompetent because that’s how he views himself, so that’s what he project. People usually believe what we project about ourselves. This man often ends up with friends, bosses and girlfriends who are never satisfied and see him as good natured but inept. Unless he lucks into finding people who believe in him.

The other possibility is to become a narcissist, obsessed with winning praise and admiration instead of trying to repair his broken sense of self. He’s constantly looking for new supply to validate himself. Narcissists had parents who thought their kids were special while also being cold and distant. These men have an entirely external point of reference for his self-worth.

-I’m only as good as her current level of happiness; this came from pleasing a demanding emotional mother. Healthy women begrudge him for the burden of being the center of his universe, so he seeks less healthy women who will fit that role

-I’m damaged goods; being so mistreated he believes he is meant to be used, abused, disregarded. He believes pele eventually betray or mistreat him. They are scared to let people truly know him as they fear they would run if they saw who he was. His relationships are often fleeting and shallow; may chase compulsive sex with multiple women

-our organizing beliefs about ourselves are unconscious until we make them conscious. Make meaningful connections with adults capable of kindness and loyalty.

-I don’t trust myself to make sound decisions: good parenting involves making mistakes when the stakes are low. Manageable failure, not overwhelming. A caring coach rather than an overbearing supervisor. The boy who was punished young doesn’t trust himself as an adult. Can become a perfectionist, a know it all, unable to learn from others. These men end up seeking these kind of women or behaving in a manner that causes the relationship dynamic to become this way too.

-my decisions were never my own: leads to avoiding mistakes and a man looking for a mother in a relationship. The adventurous and trusting masculine energy needs to be balanced with the possessive and cautious feminine

-she has sex with me and that’s good enough; this is the most common way men end up in substandard relationships. They trade away their most precious commodity, commitment, in exchange for easy access to sex. These men are more selective about the cars they drive than the women they sleep with. They are the opposite of gatekeepers: passive, undiscriminating, settling with whoever happens to pursue them. They don’t choose relationships; they let relationships choose them, there are way too many ways for this to go wrong.

-seek dignity not shame based relationships; don’t fall for variable occasional approval relationships. Avoid the familiar burning barn

Foundational skill: act in the service of values before comfort

-staying small seems safe to avoid punishment or shame or negative reinforcement

-abuse leads to the feeling or resentment and reluctant compliance

-dignity and shame are two sides of the same coin

-healthy women respond well to unapologetic and purposeful men, as do healthy friends, colleagues, employers

Book 3 – resilience

-evaluate her relationship to the world

-choose commitments bringing resilience rather than frailty

-embrace the challenge of high functioning relationships

-composure, dignity, resilience

-a relationship is only as healthy as its least functional participant

-if a woman struggles with the basics of life, then the relationship is about compensating for her life

-bad girl groups: commiserating and complaining together sessions with no solutions or purpose

-a complainer will end up with someone who listens to complainers, fulfilling each others subconscious ways to lead to love

-an unhealthy relationship leads to people sinking to the least healthy participant

The road to dignity

-dignity is the inverse of shame

-a man of dignity follows his internal compass rather than a fickle source of external approval

-placating an irrational woman is not a good way to go

-how did shame shape you as a kid?

-you should have a path to redemption with appropriate shame

-if I know I have acted according to my values and purpose, then it’s ok if others feel disappointed. I am responsible for my actions, not other peoples reactions

-reject women who disregard the protocols of apology; women who can’t apologize or forgive don’t care for the other person. Avoid women who weaponize guilt.

-seek feedback from friends and family and listen to it. Press for opinions if you have to

-choose women of clarity; reliable communication skills, inquisitiveness (asking questions, not assuming), assertiveness (not passive aggressive or avoiding difficult conversations) through calm polite and asking for what they want

-ask questions if one sees inconsistent behavior vs character

-timeouts work well if they are negotiated beforehand during calm discussions (does not have to be long causing anxiety)

-walk with dignity, especially when you don’t feel like it

-define boundaries and enforce them. Intuition tells you when boundaries are violated. E.g. work time is for work time not anything else outside of emergencies. A agreeable and insecure man will give up all his routines and life to satisfy a woman. A woman of exceptional character will be grateful for time sacrificed for the previous times and not be entitled or demanding of more

-avoid relationships built on incompatible values: e.g. someone despising your work, hobbies, values. Those things come back bigger years down the lines; it shows up at the worst moments. “This isn’t what I wanted out of life” 8 years into a marriage. Misaligned values is the red flag no one talks about

-avoiding shame based relationships involve prioritizing our own needs, wants, and values. Being a wise and purposeful gatekeeper is not always comfortable

-her relationship to the world; resilience is the ability to bounce back and respond positively to problems, rather than giving up or getting depressed. How someone deals with rude cashiers, lost packages, waiting longer, things not going her way. Not dealing with small things with grace and humor doesn’t bode well for larger challenges. Resilience includes playful curiosity, flexibility, creativity, wisdom to embrace the fact that life is unfair

-survivor personality refer to negative experiences as the best thing to happen to them

-3 red flags that damage a couples relationship: ingratitude, entitlement, victim based ideology

-ingratitude: gratitude is the opposite, like expressing kindness, finding joy in small moments, realizing life is too short to be unhappy. It’s part of reciprocal altruism, builds good relationships, realizes we are lucky to have others and need to treat them right. Gratitude required effort, and grateful women are a joy to be around

-entitlement: what’s good and fortunate must flow to her, and also failing to appreciate what’s good. Rights belong to her, responsibilities to others. Someone who believes she deserves special treatment. Childish psychologically. Find someone who takes personal responsibility, is thoughtful and kindhearted

-victim based ideology: current day feminism is at the top, where life is zero sum between men and women and is a power competition. Women who are jaded will use feminism and blame men. They think life is patriarchal oppression, privilege defining all outcomes, masculinity is toxic. If women see men as oppressors, they will see you as an oppressor. They have no place in your life.

Bright triad

-clarity: openness and honesty, in all topics from sex to resolving disagreements

-causes of divorce: infidelity, lack of commitment, money and ongoing conflict

-communication skills, inquisitiveness, assertiveness

-inquisitive women expect and are open to differences of opinion: “tell me what’s on your mind”, “i want to understand your viewpoint”

Maturity: insight/self-awareness, emotional nuance, coping skills (in managing conflict), internalization, self-maintenance

-if a woman doesn’t take care of herself physically, spiritually, or emotionally, then she’s a liability in a romantic relationship

-stability also matters

-a relationship needs two high-functioning people

Pathways to frailty

-other people’s problems are my problems; he tries to help others to overcome his low opinion of himself. He had to cook for himself, attend to siblings and solve emotional needs of parents rather than have his needs met. He is confused where his problems end and where others begin

-I’m supposed to be the hero: this man seeks external admiration and sacrifices himself for it. Purchases loyalty with chivalry; fear of abandonment or neglect from previous relationships. The connections established are not meaningful or mutually beneficial. They are built on mutual dependence

-I cannot abandon others; countless men play hero and are seduced by alluring, affection women who turn out to be burdens.

-her problems are easier to fix than my own; escapism from fixing others rather than own problems

-I feel secure when she is indebted to me: sometimes women manipulate men to rescue them, sometimes it’s the other way. It’s men’s organizing principle that they must be needed in relationships. Has hostility when his woman is succeeding, as it reduces dependence

-she will crumble if I leave; women can use shame to trick a guy to stay, threatening violence or self-harm. Not my job to tolerate threats or be her therapist.

-a high functioning woman could never trust me; lacking experience or self-esteem to be with high-functioning women.

-a high functioning woman will see how broken I am; they fear rejection and gravitate towards women who struggle with emotional regulation or with handling the day to day.

-women are useful oppressors: growing up with abusive women or seeing them treat others this way. Leads to carrying anger around, and choosing emotionally frail and underperforming women to get the upper hand. This leads to using women for company and pleasure but lacking real emotional connection.

Junk-food relationships: the upside is feeling useful and fulfilled. The downside of a woman that is high functioning is that they typically want a man that is also high functioning. Some men decide it’s better to tolerate bad relationships than to become better and seek better women. Chaotic relationships provide relief from self-reflection. Relationships with emotionally frail women can convince our minds that we are engaged in a worthwhile activity

-avoid moody women and those that lack fortitude

The road to resilience

-embrace rejection: “I have endless opportunities. Move on to the next”

-be a reliable presence rather than a knight in shining armour; being present rather than rescuing. Be present for high-functioning women, rather than a crisis counselor for low-functioning women.

-invest in resilient people; women who are functioning adults. Don’t manage other peoples emotions

-choose relationships of mutual benefit

-spending time with high-functioning women leads to disdain for women receding

-maintain the margin: relationships with pre-existing complications are more difficult

-investigate her values and beliefs

-penetrate her inner circle; how someone conducts herself in her inner circle is how she treats you

-beware the glimmer of resilience in an ocean of helplessness. One drop of good doesn’t cancel out all the bad

Foundational skill: embrace the challenge of high-functioning relationships

-embrace the discomfort of violating outdated organizing principles

-be uncompromising about self-maintenance

-continually improve communication skills; reliable verbal skills allow us to detect and defend against those who used words as weapons or tools for manipulation

-focus on relationship patterns not incidents; resilient couples focus on patterns, underlying motives, desires. Low resilience couples bicker about one event as if it’s isolated.

Book 4 – joy

-if you’re not happier with her than without, why should she be in your life?

-joy exists with the woman of outstanding character, shared values, kindness, benevolence, acceptance, a good laugh now and then

-too few men have seen real-life models of men living in joy; most are practising escapism from their wife indirectly, joking about “the old ball and chain”

-deciding to move in one year after is not a meaningful milestone

-as a relationship deteriorates, trying harder is not the solution. Don’t be blinded by the counterproductive results of efforts

-get married one year after infatuation fades (after idealization is gone)

-happy wife, happy life is a misery inducing mindset for a man. “Maybe she’s stay off my back if I make enough concessions”. The red flags were early on. He noticed Cynthia would pout when things didn’t go her way. It made him anxious and he would try and make the pouting go away by giving her what she wants

-overtime the pouting became nagging and hostility and no gratitude when Tony bent his will. She showed more and more signs of entitlement and dissatisfaction

-Tony became addicted to self-policing and his life is void or unguarded moments of genuine expressions of anything. He didn’t have a wife, but a taskmaster and opponent. Sex was one of the first activities to disappear. He complained about the old ball and chain to any man that was willing to listen

-the problem with chasing happiness is it leads to pathological avoidance of discomfort. Chase values and purpose instead

-psychologist Steven Pinker wrote “the numbers show it is not the rich, privileged, robust or good-looking that are happy, but those who have good spouses, friends, religion, and meaningful work”

-men must guard the joyful condition. And also be selective about the men in his life, and he surrounds himself with examples of health, maturity, and success

-beware of men who normalize misery; men who tell bitter jokes about women, calling them “the boss”, passive aggressive jabs at his wife and the marriage, by hiding from her, using the phrase “happy wife, happy life”. The example of Tony is he is a normalizer of misery.

-Misery is contagious; A couple is 75% more likely to get divorced if a close friend or family member divorced

-our relationships are healthier when we surround ourselves with other healthy relationships

-people in healthy relationships rarely advertise their happiness

-covert normalizers believe women are dangerous but don’t say it directly

-overt normalizers were once hurt by women and openly try to save other men from this same fate

-intimacy requires a willingness to get hurt; people who don’t want to get hurt create dead-end relationships that are shallow and cynical. They create failing relationships

-people are mostly neurotic creatures capable of joy, not joyful creatures capable of neuroticism. Surround yourself with examples of success

-pursue joyful women with low neuroticism

-people have a baseline happiness and emotional state that gets moved from temporarily; hedonic adaptation

-some women have a cheerful baseline emotional state; they are a joy to be around as gratitude, amusement, and pleasure are effortless

-women are higher in neuroticism than men; to succumb to constant dissatisfaction, they need to have good habits. Avoiding diet of complaints on social media, doesn’t participate in a league of broken women (online or in real life), as those encourage the worst attitudes. Takes care of herself physically, mentally, emotionally, and a spiritual or religious practise reminding her to be grateful. If she goes to therapy, uses it for insight not to wallow in misery, has a good group of friends who respect men, lets her values guide her decisions not emotions

-during infatuation stage, giddy enchantment masks high neuroticism

-some women’s emotional state hovers between glum and tragic

-so much of our attitude toward romantic relationships comes from who we surround ourselves with

Cultivating the joyful condition

-the human mind defaults towards negativity and pessimism

-optimal level of pessimism is defensive pessimism; minimal to recognize potential issues without being held back by them

-happy marriages have: sex, even when they don’t feel like it. No expectation of always being happy. Exercised, slept well, watched diet and avoided alcohol. Based decisions on shared goals and values, not emotions. Avoided ordinary distractions like watching tv. Maintained good social support by avoiding groups of negativity. They approached problems as a team

-agreeableness and conscientiousness can lead to a man ending up with a demanding, selfish woman

Pathway to fatigue

-I’m prone to negative emotions, and I choose similar women; people with depression tend to marry each other. People with negative emotions tend to find each other. Seek company of positive women and adopt practice of monitoring negativity from within

-relationships are supposed to be difficult; some men have never seen a good relationship, and will hear from the men around them: we stay together for the kids (meaning divorce if not for the kids), when it’s good, it’s great (and when it’s bad, it’s terrible), a man honors his commitments (I don’t want to be here). some believe suffering is a virtue (it is not). Many men say “when it’s good, it’s great” and are in unhealthy relationships with women who randomly become cruel and abusive regularly. These men know they are in a bad relationship but won’t leave. They use the good times to justify the bad.

-I don’t know how to seek joy because I was punished for success; some families have a distinctly joyless atmosphere. Reflecting to celebrate any successes, shifting the goalposts, punishing success, crabs in a bucket family

-I was taught to serve women, so I gravitate to women who demand service; happens to men that are kind and hardworking and never got any return in the past. Wants to feel needed and will tolerate someone with subpar life skills

-it’s my job to prop up children of misfortune; rescuing damsels in distress

-I don’t deserve joy; masochistic

-pessimism about relationships is safer than optimism; dispositional pessimism, due to a home where nothing went right and disagreements were never settled

-the joyful condition is not optional, it is necessary

The road to joy

-some men are so afraid of conflict with women that they will avoid the home to avoid potential conflicts

-avoiding tension creates tension

-don’t be an absentee roommate

-choose women who want to be joyful

-embrace productive conflict; conflict that achieves something and doesn’t hurt either person

-be impeccably honest; necessarily honest and kind. The joy to contain can’t survive under a veil of secrets, even if well intentioned. If a man cannot be honest with his emotions for backlash, ridicule or otherwise with a woman, then that commitment is not worth it

-monitor the relationship growth (or deficit); is the relationship getting better or worse over time? Easier or more difficult

-beware of the walking wounded: their misery loves company attitude has important lessons, but must also have limited exposure to them

-as a couple, pursue meaning before happiness; some couples seek expensive exciting things to do then can’t stand each other in the day to day. The direct pursuit of happiness leads to unhappiness.

-reject women who embrace a victim based ideology

-eliminate counterproductive self-policing; do not let your roles, identity, and obligations overtake you

-respond to bids for connection; even the subtle ones, and make bids for connection

-choose someone who is pleasant to come home to; choose someone upbeat to see you rather than a bitter, critical woman

-observe your behavior in her presence; and before and after you got into a relationship. Are you worse or better as a person? “Why do I drink more after she’s here”, “drive more aggressively”, “more prone to anger”. If a good friend tells you had changed for the worse after entering a new relationship, listen to that.

Foundational skill; respect intuition. Flashes of contempt in a relationship could lead to full on bitterness in a marriage; e.g. looks on faces. Do not ignore those little gut feelings. Self-policing would be to avoid saying or doing certain things to avoid that look (the wrong response)

-we should not disregard or always obey intuition; instead, when intuition speaks, slow down, ask questions and put words to the situation. Intuition has the advantage of speed and pattern recognition, but suffers from insensitivity of quality of information and relies on fast, sloppy heuristics

-we each have different intuitive signals; for me a bad sign is when I lose my appetite

-intuitive hunches are subtle and easy to ignore; don’t ignore it. “The hair on my neck stood up as soon as she came home”. A relationship of resentment, and not noticing until his physical health declined

-another man had migraine headaches and they didn’t go away until divorce ended the marriage

-six tips for learning the language of the nonverbal mind:

1-physical sensation, particularly in the gut

2-expand emotional vocabulary

3-study shifts in emotion, like anger that suddenly appears

4-study your cognitive patterns; journaling is a good way to bring patterns out of the shadows

5-meditation; or activities that help clear the mind

-one man saw his then girlfriend lose her temper a couple times before marriage. Then after marriage, it happened more and more and he responded by avoiding topics and self-policing to try and get rid of the anger (negative reinforcement)

Book 5 – love

-it is natural for men to be attracted to women against all rationality and common sense

-if the relationship brings composure, dignity, resilience and joy, then the gatekeeper takes love into consideration

-commit to healthy relationships with women of admirable character and shared values. Only this.

-love is when the person hears you get good news and is happy for you, not resentful or envious. If she also doesn’t commiserate over your setbacks then that is not love, because it lacks investment.

-reckless acts of lust gets into trouble

-why should we donate our lives to the first random woman who lays claim to a position in our lives?

-we can’t choose who we find attractive, but we can control our decisions

-the agreeable horse gets the most work and dies first

-affection between a couple is what ensures the first decade of raising kids

-do not sacrifice composure, dignity, resilience, joy

-the agreeable conscientious man may suffer: chaos over composure, shame over dignity, frailty over resilience, fatigue instead of joy

-there is no off switch for attraction to the wrong women, only the mind to overrule it

-love cannot conquer all; it doesn’t solve abuse, mental health problems, emotional immaturity, conflicting values, weak character

-a man can’t love a woman into being what he wants her to be, or reciprocate

-idealizing love leads to being tormented by love

-demonizing women also leads to self-torment

-women and children who receive the love of a capable resourceful man are fortunate

Pathways to torment

-the opposite of romantic love is torment: desiring what we believe we can’t possess, or realizing what we possess is poisoning us

-an unhealthy relationship is better than none: this man idealizes love but feels unworthy of it. Places love on a pedestal, making standards difficult

-I am incomplete if not in a relationship; anxious minds choose security over freedom, fear of loneliness

-I’m obligated to love her; this man doesn’t consider the need for mutual benefit and dives in

-I can fix anything, including this relationship; sunk cost fallacy. Even more likely to happen when a relationship is longer rather than shorter. Entrepreneurs are especially likely to suffer from this

-I love her too much to watch her crumble; stays because she clings to her

-she’s perfect on paper; a descent into fantasy

-love is worth fighting for; love can conquer all. Temporarily assigning the world as the antagonist when really the relationship is

-my love can rescue her; suffers from overconfidence or watches too many romantic comedies. It’s a problem when someone else is more invested in solving problems than the person themselves

-she’s my soulmate, I will never love like that again; there is no such thing as soulmates. Instead maximize character and shared values among available candidates

-I fear the void if the relationship ends; this person uses the relationship as an escape from his own thoughts, feelings, memories. Avoiding problems magnifies them.

-women will destroy me if I get too close; avoidant types or been hurt previously. The cost of rejecting romantic commitment are not absent, just difficult to see.

The road to love

-the feminine frame says we are at our hearts mercy

-the masculine frame says to be intentional about love. Approach with calm and collected mindset

-emotional logic looks for most attractive woman, and disregards values and character

-rational logic says to first look for values and characters then attraction

-be self-governing around women; be able to be alone and deal properly with anxiety of it

-avoid relationship ambiguity; after the honeymoon effect is when the real relationship begins

-check your compassion about her predicament; a women’s urgency about reproductive clock is not your emergency. Men’s clock is not that much longer than women’s. Women are told they can have it all in unlimited quantities: family, career, life of adventure, etc. western society doesn’t teach that a choice eliminates other choices. Many of these women end up at their late 30s wanting a family when it is least likely. Other issues is being a single mother, divorced. Men are not responsible for solving these problems that he didn’t create. Time is the ally to vetting relationships.

-ensure informed consent regarding life plans: “I hope the relationship works out, but it might take a couple years to know if this is the right fit”

-assess her inner circle for goodness of fit; crazy in-laws, ones that hate men may hurt the marriage

-stress test relationship; travelling together is a way. Healthy relationships affection returns after arguments

-be intentional about second chances

-don’t lead with sex: it clouds judgment and leads to attachment and pair bonding. He recommends testing sexual compatibility before marriage; it is one of the main causes of divorce if there is sexual incompatibility

-having sex outside an established healthy relationship is risky

-take charge of birth control; do not let women have responsibility of birth control

-some women become intentionally pregnant via a used condom when threatened with the loss of a relationship

-know how and when to breakup. Avoid isolation, anticipate doubt, no sex during breakup, anticipate urge to rekindle, a wedding engagement is not a contract.

-ending an engagement and looking like the bad guy is better than a marriage ending in divorce

-leave women better than you found them

-men set the speed limit and commitment

-“no” is an answer, without needing an explanation

-moving her out is harder than moving her in

-approach relationships with wisdom and finesse, not recklessness and desperation