Ramani Durvasula, otherwise known as Dr Ramani, us a US based psychology who specialized in narcissism. With the unfortunate growing trend of more personality disorders, those of the dark tetrad of manipulators, psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists, having a person in your life with one of these qualities can totally ruin you. I’ve written down my notes of her commentary on narcissism to gain awareness of who is a narcissist and how to navigate life around them, or away from them.
-she recommends to not get into a relationship with a narcissist. You can’t be sustainably happy in a relationship with a narcissist
-people in a narcissistic relationship often feel confused, conflicted
-repeatedly forgiving a repeat perpetrator actually harms the forgiver
-1/6 people are narcissists; in cities it’s higher and certain competitive industries with also high pay
-narcissism and addictive personality and addictions are linked
-narcissists make you worse, you feel unhappy, worthless, insecure with them
-they are charming, confident, charismatic. But in closed doors, they treat people badly and those below them
-believe they are special, have variable, low or no empathy. Rules don’t apply to them. Obsessed with themselves, don’t care about others, can’t have close relationships, can only feel shallow emotions
-if you can’t express a need, feeling or interest for fear of being shut down, not a good sign
-narcissistic are shifty and can behave charming and as an asshole depending on the person and yet empathetic with others
-narcissism cannot be cured; they only make micro changes with intense consistent therapy
-women are often vulnerable narcissists; victim attitude, socially anxious, sullen, grieved, failure to launch, angry at the world, jealous of others
-malignant narcissist is the last one before psychopathy and the worst in relationships; calculated, coldness, fake charm, intelligence, lack of empathy, manipulative, exploitative, coercive, isolation, using menace, control freak
-narcs are overly paranoid as they don’t trust others. There are grandiose ones (look at me)
-communal narcissists; those who do good deeds to be perceived as savours; holier than thou. The motivation is not the good deed itself but the attention and status associated with it. Virtue signallers. They get angry if status isn’t given. Cult leaders are communal narcs
-we’re all born with a natural temperament; a sweet mild tempered kid won’t be a narc even if treated to become one
-those with a negative emotional childhood or who were spoiled are more likely to become narcs
-mild narcs; self centred, annoying, dramatic, lead to one sided relationships
-narcissists are more successful and more ambitious, more dating and romantically attractive. Success is life or death for narcissists
-capitalism promotes narcissists to win. This is the problem with society today
-positive emotional regulation as a person can only come from the parents during childhood. Difficult to develop as an adult
-money breeds privileged entitlement, arrogance
-people who are wealthier or feel wealthier will do what it takes to keep it, more greedy, more prideful and self-focused
-money is a source of narcissistic supply
-everyone is attracted to narcissistic people; they are usually obsessed with their bodies and anything that would boost their status
-narcissists like other people of status and will kick down on people who don’t have it. Narcissists focus on you and try and understand you to get you emotionally committed. Devaluing begins 6 weeks – 6 months after a good phase
-people who get stuck in narcissistic relationships are usually the opposite of them; empathetic. It’s death by a thousand cuts and can lead to a trauma bond
-only since 2014 with more information out there is narcissism understood
-three Rs of doom of someone in a relationship with a narcissist: rumination of the relationship, regret (of the grief and the relationship), recall (euphoric recall – narcissists or the people in the relationship will cherry pick good sparse past memories to convince themselves to stay in the relationship)
-narcissists are socially perceptive, but do not have empathy. Not the same thing. Socially perceptive is understanding others but then doing things to effectively manipulate them rather than treat them well
-projection; unconscious trigger of insecurity and assuming the other person is doing the thing you are doing even though you aren’t and they are. E.g. someone being a cheater and accusing others of it. It is a primitive defence.
-narcissists are deeply troubled on the inside and chaos is in the mind
-narcissists are hierarchical and will take advice from people above them
-gaslighting is long term manipulation causing confusion and doubt
-don’t engage with a gaslighter, shut it down and instead recognize it. “We have a different interpretation of what happened”. Don’t try and prove the opposite
-all domestic abusers are narcissistic (physical, sexual, emotional)
-document if you think your manager is a narcissist and have backup for all the times of mistreatment- but really, it’s just time to go quickly
-not engaging is the kryptonite to a narcissist
-narcissists feel threatened by authentic people because they won’t have it.
-it’s easier to become authentic the older you get; hard to when you are young
-a lot of famous people are narcissists as fame is shallow; 50%. World leaders may be 66%. We fall for the big shot talker type
-you can’t negotiate with the narcissists at all