Chris Voss is a former FBI hostage investigator and has also written the book Never split the difference amongst others. He shares his notes on how to negotiate and his findings on what people are like.
-a calm voice to be calm and calm the other person; low frequency
-anger can pull out of sadness; but need to reach calmness
-don’t negotiate with someone to get no result, bad result, or someone who you wouldn’t trust, or someone negotiating in bad faith. Strong correlation; “great opportunity for you”, also a flag
-if someone in first few minutes in negotiation says they want a win win scenario, he gets alarm bells. It usually means they want a win lose scenario
-people who want win win and express it may get taken advantage of by people pretending to want win win
-people want to be heard; do this by guessing the other persons interests rather than asking
-life gives to the giver
-approach negotiations with generosity with no strings attached. Chris Voss likes these people
-hostage: want your money, body or your life
-knowing the patterns of behavior in other people doesn’t mean you can change them. E.g. what they say. Specific asks are more likely to occur and be legitimate
-negative negotiations; some people double dip and want more after. Make them feel like they got enough so they won’t ask for more. Ask innocent questions where they feel comfortable or unable to get more. E.g. performance reviews that make you feel bad
-if someone feels like they worked for it they will take it more likely; psychological fallacy
-throw a curve in to see if the other person is who they are in case they are a fraud (that only a real person would know)
-someone who tries to instill a sense of urgency in you may be a bad actor; slow down
-fair questions: how much do you think you deserve?
-tire out and slow someone down who is aggressive. Ask questions; getting them to think about the question is a distraction. How and why questions. This is passive aggressive against a bad actor
-how do I know you’ll follow through?
-vision drives decision
-people lie in 20 ways; they tell the truth in one way. That assumes they tell the truth
-if your gut tells you something is off, and you can’t relax around them. This could be a series of meaningless lies or significant lies that makes your system feels uncomfortable
-your gut is ridiculously accurate, but know the difference between your gut and your amygdala
-our guts picks up on tone of voice not matching words, head tilt, etc
-the subconscious is the superpower; tap into that and get the signal to your brain
-check if there is alignment between the verbal, verbal cues, and non verbal cues
-in person there is too much information to process
-straight shooter vs blunt; straight shooter gives it straight softly
-deliver bad news as early as you can and as softly as you can. There’s no humane way to cut someone’s head off. No small talk, rip the band aid off quickly. One warning then immediately let them know. Stop trying to save yourself
-better fired on a Monday than a Friday
-ego depletion is like decision fatigue; it’s dopamine molecule holds us to goal directed behavior. But if keep needing to defend one’s position, it reduces goal directed behavior. Similar to sharing goals then not acting on it from the dopamine hit already had.
-ego depletion doesn’t work long term as they will get recharged come back and change their mind
-small stakes practise for high stakes results
-not “how are you” but “what do you love about” gets you candid answers and who they are
-Chris Voss says people vent because they feel ignored. He doesn’t believe venting is effective. He feels worse after ranting. “Sounds like this is very frustrating for you”
-frustrating is about the future not being achieved, anger is about the past.
-encourage letting the steam off without giving advice, interrupting
-negative emotions put toxins into your system just by experiencing them so don’t have rants go indefinitely
-spirituality is a important component of a person and of health
-humanization of yourself increases chance of being treated better and surviving. Dropping your name
-empathy; articulate the other persons thoughts
-cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, empathic concern
-mirroring; repeat 1-3 words of what they said. Doesn’t have to be the same words
-we don’t hear ourselves talk so having a sounding board from someone else helps to see if your ideas are insane
-people are 75% negative; be less negative by calling it out. “It’s probably going to seem greedy”
-embarrassment is one of the worst negative emotions
-avoid the people running you down
-appreciation and humor help mental health
-genuine rapport is a thing; even something simple as a common sport
-starting with “sounds like”
-fireside started by a woman and Mark Cuban- interactive podcasts