There seem to be more and more emotionally unstable people than ever. From psychoanalysis, whether that’s insecure attachment styles, less than ideal childhood upbringings, anxiety, mental illness. One thing is sure that the awareness is much higher than before. Typically self-help books are overrated as those discoveries can be uncovered by taking risks and living life. This is a compelling read in the self-help catalogue in being able to escape trauma bonds and emotional toxicity.

-among psychotherapists, it’s long been known that emotionally disengaging from toxic parents is the way to restore peace and self-sufficiency

-understanding their emotional immaturity frees us from emotional loneliness as we realize their neglect wasn’t about us, but about them

-when we see why they can’t be different, we can finally be free of our frustration with them, as well as our doubts about our own lovability

-regain the ability to trust one’s own instincts and know themselves

-manage the overdeveloped empathy that held you hostage to manipulative, non reciprocal people

Chapter 1 – how emotionally immature parents affect adult children’s lives

-emotional loneliness comes from not having enough emotional intimacy with other people

-gut feeling of emptiness is what children feel, perhaps existential loneliness. Feeling of core emptiness, even if living a superficially normal adult life

-emotional intimacy involves knowing you have someone to open to about anything. It only exists when the other person seeks to know you, not judge you

-emotionally mature people engage in emotional connection all the time, and have developed enough self-awareness to be comfortable with their own feelings and those of other people. They notice children’s moods and welcome different feelings with interest, even negative ones. They make it fine to talk about emotional issues and engage with them

-emotional immature people are so pre-occupied they don’t notice others. They discount feelings, and fear emotional intimacy. They have no idea how to offer support emotionally. They become angry and nervous if children bring up negative emotions or issues. This leads to a chime shutting down emotions and instinctive urge to reach out, and therefore, no contact emotionally

-parents are supposed to notice children’s emotions and guide you toward an authentic connection with others. Once you start listening to your emotions instead of shutting them down, they will guide you toward authentic connections with others

-Emotional loneliness will lead to a child to do whatever necessary to make a connection with the parent. This can lead to unhealthy giving, and covering up own’s needs, leading to more loneliness as it prevents genuine connection with others

-lacking adequate parental support or connection, many emotionally deprived children are eager to leave childhood behind, to try and grow up quickly and become self-sufficient. They become very competent but lonely at their core. This can lead to sexually activity early, marrying early, joining the service. This often leads to marrying the wrong person, tolerating exploitation, tolerating bad bosses or jobs. Even settling for emotional loneliness in relationships because it feels normal to them

-Our brains tell us that safety lies in familiarity. Denial of our parent’s emotional immaturity leads to making the same mistakes

-Sophie’s story; wanting to get married at 32 but getting a joke of an empty ring case. And getting emotionally invalidated when telling both the man and mom that “it’s just a joke”

-people who had physical needs met in childhood and emotional needs unfulfilled will feel empty in adulthood

-in good relationships, emotional connection ought to be the easy part

-emotional connection is a basic human need, regardless of gender or age

-men who don’t get emotional needs met in adulthood turn to violence and suicide

-children who try and do something to impress parents still don’t get the emotional intimacy they were looking for. Often leading to givers being taken advantage of

-Jake was scared of opening up to Kayla as he repeated the same pattern from childhood from anger and disappointment from his mother in doing the same thing

-hate is a normal and involuntary reaction to someone that tries to control you for no good reason

-some adults are too tired emotionally that they don’t have the emotional energy to pursue romantic relationships, and some don’t want to, when actively having draining negative emotional relationships. To them, relationships feel like traps; leads to avoidant attachment style

-therapists recommend children of demanding parents to get away to reduce stress levels

-guilt is a manageable emotion over far worse emotions

-emotionally immature parents teach you to not trust your own instincts, when you should. A relationship should not be a one-sided effort to maintain the relationship, feeling like unrewarding work

-Just because you have a partner and friends, doesn’t mean they are the right ones. See if they are making you emotionally satisfied

-emotionally immature people will immediately try to correct you being wrong in your emotions rather than listen and try to understand

-psychotherapists believe that relationships do not run on vows and promises. Instead, mutual emotional responsiveness is the most important ingredient to sustained relationships. That is, someone taking the time to really listen and understand you, rather than pretend to listen or listening to reply

-Meghan’s story; wanting to leave a husband whose parents accepted because he came from a rich family background

-Emotionally immature people respond with ego to your complaints, by telling you what they want you to do and turn it around, rather than addressing what they should be doing or even acknowledging your concerns

-Meghan realized she wanted to matter the most to someone. Wanting to be with someone who wants to be with them for who they are. She had suppressed her desire to feel special and loved and wanted. Her husband did this by telling her that her expectations were too high. She believed this until she stopped believing that he knew more about her than she did. Emotionally immature people also believe that they know more about others than themselves

-This leads to lack of self-confidence due to parental rejection. Instead of asking for what they want, they believe the past will occur in the present, and then to feel shy about seeking attention from others. These children end up stifling themselves and promoting more emotional loneliness, by hanging back instead of interacting more

-Find the people who are actually kind and affectionate, otherwise it makes you withdraw socially even more. Those are the people that you will be able to open up to

-some people have emotional needs met in current relationships, but the lingering trauma of childhood loneliness may haunt them in other ways, through anxiety, depression, or bad dreams

-children of emotionally immature parents feel they have to do everything by themselves and don’t consider asking anyone for help. The parents may technically be present, but offer little help, protection or comfort

-This can lead to addiction to variable emotional reward from others; learning to cling to whatever emotional scraps one can get because any connection is better than none at all

-Some may not understand the nightmares until the age of 50, underlying feelings of anxiety, even while living a good life

Chapter 2

-emotional maturity: a person can think objectively and conceptually while having deep emotional connections to others. People who are emotionally mature can function independently while also having deep emotional attachments. They are direct about pursuing what they want, and do so without exploiting others. They’ve differentiated from their original family relationships sufficiently to be able to build a life of their own. They have a well-developed sense of self and identity and actually treasure their closest relationships

-emotionally mature people are comfortable and honest with their own feelings, and get along well with other people, thanks to well developed empathy, impulse control, and emotional intelligence. And are interested in other people’s inner lives and opening up and sharing. If problems arise, they deal with others directly to smooth out differences

-emotional immaturity: rigid and single-minded, low stress tolerance (may seek comfort with intoxicants or medications), they do what feels best, they are subjective and not objective (no dispassionate analysis, what feels true is better than what is true), little respect for differences which can lead to social problems and being offensive, egocentric. Ego in children is childlike, it has joy and openness. In adults, it is not innocent and is from anxiety and insecurity, fear being exposed and thus do not want close relationships so that people won’t figure them out. People who are insecure do not let others get close to them

-self preoccupied and self-involved; monitoring if their needs are being met or if they are offended. Can’t stand criticism, and self-esteem depends on how others respond to them. Fundamental doubts of whether they are worth it

-self-centered, evident in conversation. Socially skilled people respond by not changing the subject but ending the conversation with a positive comment “that’s wonderful, sounds like a good time”. They focus on their intention, rather than the impact on you. This leads to them not taking responsibility if they believed they had good intentions

-like being centre of attention

-extroverts don’t dominate the conversation, they want interactions. So, centre of attention types can be either

-promote role reversal; a child behaving as an adult. Whether as a confident for marital problems, to praise parents and be happy for them

-they have low empathy, emotionally insensitive, and avoid emotional sharing/intimacy

-people with low empathy are out of touch with their own deeper feelings, and consequently blind to how they make others feel

-empathy is the key to a deep relationship, and true emotional intimacy. Being aware of both emotions and intentions. The highest form is imagination, to be able to imagine that other people have their own unique minds and thought processes

-without empathy, one does not have emotional intelligence

-sociopaths can read other people’s emotions, but don’t resonate with them, and thus are emotional manipulators. Empathy involves resonating and actually caring rather than just knowing what people feel

-emotionally immature people come from being emotionally shut down as children; great unhappiness and tension in their parent’s early lives. Abandonment, substance abuse, loss, abuse, traumatic immigration experiences

-old school parenting; seen but not heard

-immature parenting worries about physical needs and not emotional needs

-people who weren’t allowed to explore or express feelings and thoughts did not develop a sense of self or maturity. This limits ability to engage in emotional intimacy, and thus not able to emotional engage with others at a deep level

-Inconsistent and contradictory; immature people express contradictory emotions and behaviours, random, flip flopping

-they develop strong defended that take the place of the self; denying themselves from emotions and others

-people wonder if the parents can change. This can only happen if they are willing to self-reflect, and notice the impact they have on others, and willing to change that impact, If not, there is no way to change

-feel feelings quickly and try to suppress them; fearing feelings. Disguise genuine reactions and develop other defence mechanisms. They can have an automatic anxiety reaction when it comes to deep emotional connection

-bad households believe expressing negative emotions like crying is bad, for fear that it never stops, even though it does. You then have the problem of suffering alone rather than in console

-emotionally immature parents focus on the physical and not the emotional; only worrying about food, shelter, education, clothing

-often killjoys

-they often are easily overwhelmed by deep emotion, but rather than feel them deeply, they run away from the emotions and react superficially. The emotions are often fleeting and glancing; and often leads to feeling unmoved by the distress. Because of the overreaction and so frequently, you may quickly learn to tune them out for the sake of your own emotional survival

-they don’t experience mixed emotions; experiencing mixed emotions is a sign of maturity. happy with guilt, anger with love. That leads to a deeper and richer emotional experience, rather than one dimensional reaction that are black and white

-repressive and punitive family environments do not encourage free thinking or self-expression and then the individual cannot hold opposing ideas in mind

-difficulties with conceptual thinking; under emotional experience, cannot seem to think conceptually or be objective. Lack of self-reflection, and lose ability to think about their own thinking

-proneness to literal thinking- small talk, talk about what happened or what they observed, rather than go deeper into feelings, ideas, concepts, possibilities

-intellectual obsessiveness, and obsession about certain topics. E.g. common ones are sports, politics, or fixation on anything. The discussions aren’t discussions and are instead one sided. Only comfortable if conversations stay on an impersonal or intellectual level

-they have an oversimplified approach to life, narrowing situations down for their rigid coping skills. Limited sense of self makes one egocentric

Chapter 3 – what it feels like in a relationship with an emotionally immature parent

-communication is one sided, not mutual reciprocal conversations. They only want the attention on themselves, and may interrupt, changing the subject randomly, random words on the active side. Passive side can include looking away, going on the phone, looking bored, or other indicators of disengagement

-babies get angry when separated from parents. This anger can carry to adulthood, expressed outward with anger issues. Or suppression, or inward with depression, insecurity, suicidal feelings. Others become passive-aggressive; forgetting, lying, delaying, avoiding

-they act out emotions instead of talking about them. Emotional contagion, trying to get other people to feel what they’re feeling

-they don’t do emotional work; they don’t attempt to understand or consider others’ emotions, and may defend with “well you should have said so”, or not being a mind reader, or dating don’t take it personal or to criticize being too sensitive or emotional

-emotional labour is caring about others unspoken/unconscious emotional needs. Women bear this, men don’t

-emotional labor promotes goodwill and good relationships

-emotionally immature people take pride on the lack of emotional skill; “I’m just saying what I think”, “I can’t change who I am”

-those unskilled at empathy will find others minds to be opaque, and will complain so much when others are expecting this effort. They may not even know what this is

-hard to give to; they want attention and yet reject suggestions. Will often stay quiet and expect needs met; “if you really loved me, you’d know what I want”

-they don’t apologize or frame the apology without accepting responsibility, and also expect everything to be normal immediately after a transgression

-they expect emotional mirroring from children

-their self-esteem rides on your compliance, and they try and shut things down like a dictator

-they want to play roles and have role entitlement

-role coercion; forcing a daughter to stay in an abusive marriage due to the word from the bible

-they seek enmeshment; seek identity and completion of self through an intense, codependent relationship. As opposed to emotional intimacy, two people getting to know each other at a deeper level. Invigorating and moves people towards personal growth as they enjoy the interest and support of another person

-playing favorites; low levels of maturity pull people into mutual enmeshment

-dependent or idealized enmeshment. Idealized the child is spoiled and doesn’t experience any true emotional intimacy either

-if emotionally immature people can’t enmesh with family, they will go outside, such as in church

-emotional immature have no sense of time. No regrets as they don’t think of the past. If you bring it up, they get mad. No plan for future either, self-centered present action

-people who only focus on the present do not self-reflect. They thus accuse others of bringing up the past as a weapon, even for the mistakes the immature person made and did not make up for

-lack accountability

-look at relationships in whether they make them look good or bad

Chapter 4 – four types of emotionally immature parents

-all come from same roots and offer the same problems in different ways. One way to love, many ways not to

-either not involved or breaking boundaries

-more sensitive mothers shower babies with more secure attachment behaviours

-self-involved, narcissistic, emotionally unreliable

-emotional parents, driven, passive or rejecting

-emotional parent; most infantile, emotional and mood swings. Walking on edge. See the world as black and white, keep score, hold grudges, control others with emotional tactics

-Driven parents; seem most in control. The children may have trouble with initiative or self-control, and even unmotivated, depressed from involved hardworking parents

-they expect others to want and value what they do, and believe they know what’s good for others

-never experience self-doubt

-helicopter parents who criticize too much and make kids reluctant to connect with potential mentors

-unconditional acceptance for kids is the secure foundation for the world

-children of driven parents always feel the need to be doing more or doing something other than what they are currently doing

-people with similar emotional maturity levels are attracted to one another

-passive parents; often have a partner who is intense and dominant, and also immature

-they are more emotionally available until anything gets intense, then they withdraw emotionally and hide. They offer no real guidance or help. They are immature and self-involved through play and fun by being obsessed with that. They are the favorite parent. They use the child to get affection. The relationship becomes like emotional incest. Not comfortable for the child as it poses the risk of making the other parent jealous

-Children know not to expect or ask for much help from these parents. The parent is not their for them in any essential way. They are passive enablers, particularly during the worst of times, retreating during bad times

-The passive parent if given the opportunity to leave the family for a happier life elsewhere, would actually do so

-The children of passive parent when as an adult often makes excuses for other people’s abandoning behavior and other bad behaviors

-That parent never protected or had responsibility for a child when they couldn’t for themselves. The child’s actual emotional welfare was second to the parent’s own interests

-the rejecting parent; an emotional wall, always irritated, and if pushed get angry, abusive. Have the least empathy of the four types. Avoids eye contact, even looking blank or hostile to make others go away. These parents rule the house, as aloof and scary types. Commonly, this is the businessman with no emotional warmth for his children

-Rejected children find it hard to ask for what they need, and may also reject intimacy as they become adults. Or very clingy type to recover what they never had

Chapter 5 – How different children react to emotionally immature parenting

-be your true self for emotional intimacy. Expressing yourself honestly rather than playing a role or engaging in healing fantasies. These fantasies can be projected onto others and impossible to meet

-people who have little tests are the ones who have these unrealistic healing fantasies

-the role self may think: I will become so self-sacrificing that other people will praise me and love me

-immature parents may project their own insecurities onto their children and work to fix them. Can lead to adult relationships of role acting between two people. It’s more insecure and tiring to pretend

Internalizer: I need to change to change things

Externalizers: others need to change for me

Internalizers are mentally active, learn, self-reflective, sensitive. Fear of displeasing others and being exposed as imposters. Biggest relationship downfall is being overly self-sacrificing and then becoming resentful of how much they do for others.

Externalizers act impulsively and don’t think, blame others and circumstances, don’t learn from mistakes, believe others are to serve them. Self-defeating that others need to repair the damage from the impulsive actions. Either low self-confidence or inflated superiority. Susceptible to substance abuse, addictive relationships, and immediate gratification. Anxiety is being cut off from external sources that their security depends on; relationship problems is being dependent on others, and attracted to impulsive people

-most emotionally immature people are externalizers, struggling against reality rather than coping with it. Blaming others, no accountability. Externalizers are impulsive, then have quick feelings or shame and failure but use denial to move forward to more impulsivity

-extreme externalizers are sociopathic and predatory. Milder or quieter ones are non confrontational but believe that others should change

-picturing yourself as a man in chains to a woman is an externalizing image

-internalizers have externalizer siblings often, who are abusive and out of control. Parents see the externalizer sibling as special due to being able to foster a codependent relationship and enmeshment with them. Parents will try to silence the internalizer

-externalizers may be open to change when hitting rock bottom

-internalizers can behave as externalizers when under high stress or lonely. May turn to alcohol, cheating from needs sacrificed for many years

-balance is the key; high internalizers prone to anxiety or depression, other self-defeating tendencies like inaction, not speaking up, not asking for help

Chapter 6 – what it’s like to be an internalizer

-notice when relationships are not going well

-hopes for close connections can lead to doing too much for others, to the point of neglecting themselves

-are highly sensitive and perceptive

-have strong emotions and don’t react immediately. Externalizers behavior is labelled as a problem, whereas internalizers themselves are labelled as a problem by the emotionally immature parents

-have a deep need for connection, which is what happens in securely attached babies. Insecure attachment styles do not have this need and usually end up lifelong single

-babies breakdown of mothers show an expressionless face

-unconditional love cannot be bought with conditional behavior

Logan’s story

-internalizer, increasing irritability with people and inability to unwind and relax. Her emotional issues were from anger felt to the parents and siblings for lack of emotional responsiveness. Despite a conventional, religious family that emphasized family closeness and loyalty, there was no real warmth. She couldn’t interact with them in a emotionally good way and still be herself

-“can’t get others to see me for who I am”

-self-occupied siblings and parents who weren’t interested in authentic relationships that secure babies are

-she wasn’t noticed because of her accomplishments

-she felt she would be valued only for what she could do for others, not for who she was

-understanding that connection is normal, not dependent. Emotionally immature people believe empathy and understanding is a sign of weakness. Turning to others for comfort when stressed makes people stronger and more adaptive

-externalizers also have needs for emotional comfort, but tend to force such needs on other people, taking others emotionally hostage through manipulation. The attention received is not as satisfying as a free and genuine exchange of emotional intimacy. Even using blaming and guilt-tripping. This makes others feel they have to help, whether they want to or not, creating resentment over the long run

-emotionally immature people are typically externalizers, who can’t calm themselves through genuine emotional engagement. Instead of seeking comfort when insecure, they feel threatened and either fight, flight, or freeze. This involves rigid defensiveness, anger, blame, criticism, domination. It is panic over connection

-everyone needs a deep sense of connection in order to be fully secure, and there’s nothing weak about it. It strengthens people

-internalizers are apologetic about needing help and downplay own problems. And caught off guard when someone shows genuine interest in how they feel

-internalizers become invisible, easy to neglect, low maintenance. Can become overly independent, and may overreact and overcommit to recognition or affection

-self-sufficiency of internalizers gives impression they have no needs, and may be looked at as an old soul. Can lead to adult life of overextending themselves for others

-internalizers may need to learn how to ignore one’s feelings and look at the facts. Can lead to accepting superficial support and being overly independent. Not seeing abuse for what it is, and making excuses for and downplaying abusive behaviour

-internalizers do most of the emotional work in relationships, may lead to adopting compensatory cheerfulness around emotionally immature people to try and make up for the coldness in the relationship. This doesn’t work

-immature parents avoid emotional work wherever possible. They are dismissive, don’t understand the child’s predicament, and give out useless, flippant, or bad advice

-internalizers may even do the emotional work for the parent, acting as a parent to the child

-internalizers may try to love another person into a good relationship. They act as if there’s reciprocity when there isn’t. May thank someone else when they are being inconvenienced. May repeatedly reach out to self-centred people and never get back a response.

Internalizers try to make up for other peoples lack of engagement by seeing them as nicer and more considerate than they really are

-can lead to people pleasing and bending over backwards for the other person

-externalizers are opportunistic and tend to pursue warm and giving internalizers. They try to make the internalizer feel special at first to secure the relationship, then stop reciprocating. Internalizers will then blame themselves

-can exude kindness and wisdom that attracts needy people. May need to be more selective about extending natural empathy and altruism. This will gain more energy for her own life. Needy people will selfishly take your time, energy, attention, resources

-internalizers subconsciously believe that neglecting oneself is a sign of being a good person; parents teach self-sacrifice is the worthiest ideal. This can be worse with religion involved. Children don’t know to protect energies. Don’t make kids feel lazy to rest when it’s needed

-internalizers believe the more they try, they more they can transform unsatisfying relationships. This doesn’t work

-when an internalizer realizes and gives up, the other person may be surprised

Chapter 7 – breaking down and awakening

-the true self is a extremely accurate, self-I forming neurological feedback system that points an individual to optimal energy and functioning. This includes physical sensations from experiences (positive and negative), gut feelings, intuition, including immediate and accurate impressions of other people. We can listen to the energy of our true selves to guide us to a better life that fits ourselves

-we are in a state of flow if we act in accordance to our true selves; we see things clearly, focused on solutions instead of problems. Things seem much more possible as we pay attention to our genuine needs and desires. Opportunities and people come into our lives that help us in ways we never imagined. We actually become “luckier”

-true self; grow, be known, and express itself. Pushes for self-actualization as the highest goal. It wants acceptance of its guidance and desires. Genuine with other people and sincere in its own pursuits

-children stay aligned with true selves if adults support it. If too much criticism or shame, moves away then to follow parents and silence true selves. Leads to following role selves and fantasies

-signs of emotional distress are actually lifesavers to act upon and not dismiss

-psychological growth shows distressing truths about what we’ve been doing with our lives; breaking free of remanning emotionally unconscious

-individuals who can tolerate negative emotions tend to have to a highest development potential as it drives change and solutions, rather than shutting down

-panic attacks led Virginia to realize that men were not always right and she could remove contact with her father

-sometimes winning real love means facing unwanted feelings about people close to us

-ask yourself if you harbour hidden negative feelings like animosity. The feelings most reluctant to admit may be being afraid of someone or not liking someone

-feeling and admitting true feelings will release tension and relief from the body

-waking up to anger; anger is an expression of individuality. Anger is punished by emotionally immature parents in having

-anger gives people energy to do things differently and see themselves as worthy of sticking up for

-Jade’s story: I tried to see everybody as good. I thought everyone loved one another. I was naive. I thought if you were nice to people things would get fixed. That this would make people love me and take interest in my interests. But now I’ve learned that I need to do what’s right for me and trust myself. I really do enjoy my own company. I don’t want to waste my time anymore. I hope I’ll find people I can trust. I’m not going to try to make it work with people who are distant or unsupportive. I’ll be cordial and polite, but I’m not moving in close just to be disappointed

-internalizers are notorious for not taking care of themselves. They end up neglecting their own health, especially the need for rest. Overlook basic physical cues, including pain and fatigue

-being chastised for being lazy or not doing things quickly or right can lead to not doing things at own pace. The perennially dissatisfied task master can lead to an adult constantly trying to do things to please

-we play out painful patterns learned in childhood in our significant adult relationships. This leads to going to therapy due to relationship issues

-intimate adult relationships are emotionally arousing and activate unresolved issues from not getting emotional needs met

-we often project issues about our parents onto our partners, which can make us more angry with our partners, especially if they remind us of the past

-Mike had made decisions based on what other people wanted, including staying in a loveless marriage for decades

-we may be protective of our parents vulnerability and not admit parents may not be wise

-idealizing people ignores their flaws and red flags; accepting people makes one more objective about their behaviour

-stop wasting energy pretending one is less than they are so that they could pretend to be more than they were

-Aaron’s story; strong silent type who lived by not pushing for recognition. Hoped that others would recognize him, and resulted in other people being put ahead of him, and taking advantage of him without any reciprocation. He started to become his own advocate and go after what he wanted and stood up for himself

-work through and process childhood emotional issues so that you can have secure relationship with future children

Chapter 8 – how to avoid getting hooked by an emotionally immature parent

-parents are not always there for the child

-a new way to relate to parents in a neutral manner

-some parents show kindness and generosity to other people in superficial relationships and not towards their own kids

-trauma gets passed down when people repress and deny childhood pain

-instead use: detached observation, maturity awareness, and stepping away from your old role self

-when people keep themselves in neutral observation, they can’t be hurt or emotionally ensnared by other people’s behaviour

-relatedness vs relationship: relatedness you communicate with no goal of having a satisfying emotional exchange. Real relationships involve being open and establishing emotional reciprocity. Doing this with emotionally immature people leads to frustration and being invalidated

-the maturity awareness approach: express and let go, focus on the outcome not the relationship, manage and don’t engage

-don’t engage emotionally or expect someone to engage the way you want them to

-only with empathetic people is it healthy to address emotional issues in the relationship

-set a goal of how the interaction will go, including duration and topics. Manage your own emotions by observing and narrating your feelings to yourself. Respond, don’t react

-physical, financial, emotional needs are different

-parents may notice this and force the child back with enmeshment, or start responding in a more genuine manner. Don’t take the bait and continue to relate to them as an independent adult

Chapter 9 – how it feels to live free of roles and fantasies

-internalizer children may believe that their inner experiences don’t mean anything. Self-defeating behavior like: give first consideration to others for what I want to do, don’t speak up, don’t ask for help, don’t want anything for yourself. It leads to over self-sacrifice to try and satisfy the parents

-change your inner negative voice that is a replay of your parents into a positive inner voice

-you can take what you hear with a grain of salt and decide whether to listen to that inner critic

-deliberately think about what you really want

-do not suppress feelings or thoughts

-Aisha’s story; you once Aisha broke contact with Ella the mother, her stress levels decreased, from not needing to hear the further beratement

-internalizer are inclined to try and fix problems and make things better and this will somehow fix or change others. This is not true

-your goodness as a person isn’t based on how much you give in relationships. Take care of yourself regardless of what others think you should be doing for them

-pay attention to energy vampires, people who make you feel tired or negative

-being a member of the family is not an excuse to treat others badly

-have the freedom to have self compassion; know your own feelings and needs

-grief and tears are a normal response to the dawning of self-compassion, from accepting painful truths. Years of not being validated leads to suppressed sadness more than any other emotion

-allowing ourselves to feel emotions can lead to growth and transformation; inner psychological growth

-in tough times reaching out to a therapist or compassionate friend will be of benefit

-freedom from excessive empathy

-emotional enmeshment can come from wanting others to feel better

-freedom to take action on your own behalf, to not give into learned helplessness. Avoiding the thinking of there is nothing I can do, and no one will help me

-ask for what you need

-freedom to express yourself

-someone loving you doesn’t mean they understand you

-emotionally immature people like to speak about themselves and change the subject to themselves

-relinquish the need for deep relationship with parents; even then, the relationship may still not change and fear of unbearable levels of emotional intimacy may still occur

-self-involved parents like needy children so they can feel important and the center of attention

-you can get swept up into believing you’re desperate for a relationship with someone even when you don’t enjoy the interactions with the other person

Chapter 10 – how to identify emotionally mature people

-adult children of emotionally immature people incorrectly are skeptical that relationships can be good, or that the other person will be interested in who they are

-all humans have the primitive instinct that familiarity equals safety. This is not true for those with emotionally immature parents, as this subconsciously draws you to egocentric and exploitative people

-many female clients found nice boys unappealing and labelled them as boring, and were instinctively attracted to self-centered dominating men

-the people we find most charismatic are so conscious triggers to fall back into old negative family patterns

Signs of a emotionally mature person

-realistic and reliable

-work with reality rather than fighting it

-they can think and feel at the same time; this allows you to reason with them

-their consistency makes them reliable; same across different situations

-they don’t take things personally; this can be a sign of narcissism or low self-esteem

-respectful and reciprocal; they treat you well and look out for you, rather than focused on their own interests

-they respect your boundaries; they look for connection and closeness, not intrusion. Immature people take you for granted

-mature people automatically take into account how others are feeling and where they are at

-do not tell others what they should feel or think; others have the final say on their own motivation’s

-immature people will psychoanalyze to their advantage and tell you what you mean or think. A disrespect of you and your boundaries

-if neglected during childhood, may find yourself willing to put up with unsolicited analysis and unwanted advice

-if someone wants to slow the relationship down and the other says no and sees it as a fear of commitment, this is a red flag

-emotionally mature people give but won’t let an imbalance go on indefinitely

-fairness is at the heart of good relationships

-practice self care by not being overly generous

-emotionally mature people are flexible and compromise well. An unexpected change of plans will not be taken as a affront but a natural occurrence. A panic attack at a change of plans is signs of a emotionally immature person

-compromise doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice, rather mutual balance of desires

-good compromises are where both people feel they got enough

-emotionally immature people get greedy and won’t compromise; won’t take into consideration of the other person

-even tempered; early signs of anger and irritability are red flags. Brittleness and sense of entitlement. And disrespect. People with a short temper and that expect life should go their way don’t make good company. You find yourself constantly calming them down

-mature people try to resolve anger; immature people feed on their anger and act as though reality should adapt to them

-people who show anger by withdrawing love and engaging in silent treatment is problematic. Mature people tell you what’s wrong and ask you to do things differently; they take initiative to bring conflict to a close rather than give silent treatment

-they are willing to be influenced and listen to opinions they don’t agree on. John Gottman says it is one of the 7 principles for a sustainable, happy marriage. Men particularly are prone to reject a partner’s input

-unwillingness to consider someone else’s point of view indicates emotional immaturity and a rocky road ahead

-they tell the truth, even when it’s not easy to do so

-they apologize and make amends; they give a real apology recognizing their own wrongdoing rather than blaming the other persons feelings. Immature people may apologize but out of lip service and have no heart in them and typically feel more like evasion rather than relationship repair. Mature people will even say how they do things differently

-they’re responsive

-their empathy makes you feel safe in the relationship

-Ellen’s boyfriend constantly interrupting her with his own stories

-emotionally mature people show interest in you, and want to get to know you, rather than for you to mirror them. They remember stuff about you and may bring it up in the future

-with these types, the more you share with them the more they will do too. They actually let you into their inner world. Will reference your strengths and know you well

-emotionally mature people don’t pull back in bad times

-they like to comfort and be comforted

-they reflect and try to change

-they have a sense of humor. Emotionally immature people use humor to push on others, even if not amused. It’s often at other’s expense, and sarcasm is involved too. Cynicism and sarcasm are signs of a closed-down person who fears connection and seeks emotional protection by focusing on the negative

-they are overall positive, and enjoyable to be around

-observe your own gut reactions in response to others. Can even write them down afterwards when driving home

-awareness is better than none