At least in public domains, John Gottman has been widely mentioned as one of the best to be giving advice on marriage. It’s been said he is able to predict divorce with 94% accuracy based on studying a couple’s behavior. He has founded the Gottman Institute, which is a research-based approach to relationships developed by John and his wife, Julie. He’s also written several books on relationships, and was recognized as one of the top 10 most influential therapists in the past 25 years. This is interesting because he was divorced twice prior to his relationship with Julie, and yet now is considered an expert on marriage. It seems the old saying of failure coming before success is true. With plenty of books and research, I’ve jotted down my favorite memorable pieces of advice from his findings.
Four horsemen of the demise of a relationship:
-criticism
-defensiveness
-stonewalling
-contempt
At least 5:1 positive or long-term relationship ends. So the majority of interactions must be positive
3 components of friendship
-make a love map of the other person (open ended questions of the other person on deeper level)
-showing fondness and appreciation
-turning towards the other person (responding to bids)
-these also lead to increased intimacy, passion and better sex
-friendship reduces conflict and positive sentiment override increases humor, even during conflict
-repair during conflict
-oxytocin is the monogamy chemical; it activates the reward system and maintains the bond
-69% of conflicts are repetitive and not solved. If perpetual problems make you go nuts however, or gridlock, emotionally disengaged, that leads to divorce
-move from gridlock to dialogue; coping with unsolvable problems
-look underneath for the real issues in the conflicts, the dreams
-present issues with gentleness, a softness startup with moods is high rather than in stressful times
-men are less able to accept influence from women. Violent men accept zero influence at all, and never say anything positive about the other person
-women accepting influence didn’t affect divorce rates. Men who accept influence from women were less likely to get divorced. E.g. putting toilet seat down indicates thoughtfulness
-people who are good at true compromise are good at relationships
-calming down is important
-heart rate over 100 gets adrenaline going; not as able to be rational
-good relationships have meaning and purpose; they seem meaningful and build something outside of themselves. E.g. being a high value couple rather than a low value couple
-they create meaning in the way they move through time together
-every relationship is a cross cultural relationship, even if the two people’s backgrounds are similar
-symptoms of a negative relationship:
-flooding; being overloaded by emotion and it coming out all at once, leading to huge arguments and problems.
-weakened immune system from contempt